Monday, 1 January 2018

I am going to go out on a limb here a say something I have been wanting to say for about a month.  I have so much empathy for all those out there who have tried, then started drinking again, then stopped, then tried again.  We analysed every reason, every website, every piece of published material to try to find something we can relate to so we can stop drinking because it is fucking up our life.

How much more do we need?  We don't need any more.  There is NOBODY who has ever published ANYTHING on this blog which says "shit giving up was dumb, it ruined my life"  or "giving up was good but sometimes it has downsides"   NO ONE EVER says that when they have given it a year - it is the complete opposite.

Groundhog Girl was right - she said the first year much change happens, then after that things just work out for the better.  A year and a couple of months ago I wanted to be dead, I was over it, bored and just hating myself, my aging body, my same-old daily grind.  Nothing was exciting and drinking was the only thing that was, except it made me feel like shit so it was a 50/50 thing.

I NEVER knew how much my life would change if I gave up.
Now I am a firefighter with a completely different outlook on life, I am busy, I care about things that really matter, my kids the community, humanity and the world.  We are off to Japan in a couple of months.  A year ago I was scared to get on an aeroplane. My mental health has gone from 8% to 85% - that is so dramatic.  Everyone benefits from this - especially my kids (I haven't had a fight with my family in ages - I trust my decision-making and now they all trust me - WTF?!!)

Alcohol became a lifestyle - now it is just a glass of stuff which to be honest I could take or leave (I chose to leave as it is such a strong depressant and who the hell needs that).

So please don't hate me for the next bit... but...

Just fucking do it.  Stick to it and stop mucking around.  

Our lives with alcohol are shit or we wouldn't be here
So quit procrastinating and do it.
Stop listing all the reasons why we should, or the pros and cons about quitting - or quoting all the people/organisations that justify anything we want to justify.

Alcohol makes us weak, when we are weak we find things to make us feel justified in our behaviour. 

There will never be a shortage of books, theories or quotes that justify: moderation, stopping then starting again or just waiting until the wind changes to the north and a mystical gnome dressed in red pyjamas with a gold cape prances in saying "this is the day to stop - the leprechaun told me".

When drinking and hating ourselves the only way out is to stop.  There is no other option - and we need a year under our belt, at least.  We got ourselves sick, it doesn't matter whose fault it is - what matters is we need to fix it.  There is no way you will look back after a good period of time and say "shit why did I stop, I have missed out on 12 months of drinking in my life"

So get fucking on with it.


  1. Thanks for writing this - it's something I needed to hear. Happy new year to you!

  2. Happy New Year Michelle. Thank you for referencing me although I feel a bit like a fraud since I haven't been able to follow my own advice. Luckily for me (here's the silver lining) I have been so absent from blogging and so forgetful recently I get to go back to the beginning of your blog and start again.
    You have REALLY changed so much and I love how you are able to embrace your achievements. Keep up the good fight and don't give in or succumb to any more drinking dalliances, it's soooo not worth playing with fire twice.
    I am planning on following your advice above and 'just fucking do it' but I have to say I am more terrified than ever before as I feel I have slipped so much further down the addiction abyss.
    Wishing you a very happy, healthy and sober 2018

    1. I had given up hope. I can honestly say that I used to wake up in the morning and be disappointed that I had woken up. I used to lie in bed wishing to be dead so badly. when the kids went to school I would go back to bed all day sometimes.. it was terrible.

      I think it was the worst after I had stopped drinking for almost 8 months to a year - because I had to face the fact sober. That I was bored, that I wasn't doing anything with my life anymore, just waiting for the kids to grow up so I could end it all really. Though I doubted I could do that either.

      It was being sober, like you said, that led to change. Drinking doesn't get rid of depression (not all of it) nor does it automatically fix your life, but it allows you the opportunity to see things and act on things in a more healthy way.

      It's like sobriety is the catalyst in making your life better. The problem is that we have a hard time with life and being sober is very hard. We have no timeline on "well next week it will be all sorted" or "in 10 months it will be sweet". It is a natural, unpredictable progression and each person takes different amounts of time.

      You just haven't reached the time when your life leads your choices yet and completely takes over from alcohol (Anne and Wendy are there) - so now you have to do it all again.

      Too fucking bad GG! - you can do it, it is just the other times you tried you didn't give life a chance enough. So don't look at that, look at it for what it is - going for it until you get to the end, until you choose life. (sorry for sounding like Wham)


  3. Happy New Year! Great post xx

  4. Very funny! You've become such a strong person, Michelle. What a great testament to how not drinking changes everything for the better. 💕

  5. Finding a Sober Miracle is right, you are "a strong person" who doesn't sugar coat the truth. Just "F" do it is right. Perfect timing for me to read this. Thanks Michelle.

    1. Like I said below it isn't the first time I have tried! I am not very strong but wanted to share how strong you can become if you can get past the hump. Xx

  6. Reading this has made me feel completely foolish for sharing my struggles on a public blog. Im so glad I have already deleted most of my blog. I havent found it a simple as you to give up on the first try. Maybe i am searching for answers, and ill continue to but i wont be writing about it anymore.

  7. Hi PDTG. The I am so sorry you feel that way and that you delete bits of your blog. X. This isn't the first time I have given up. I have been giving up for over 15 years now but this time I actually have managed to get to a different space. It may not last either.
    My thoughts are not to belittle others nor to make myself feel special they are just my thoughts.
    I think you have done amazing things and you have helped me no end and am certain you help others.

    I love reading your posts so am hoping my words will be taken as they are written. Without judgement but for encouragement that we can all do it.
    Love M

    1. Thats the thing though, what if we all can't? What if i can never get past the hump. I know from your end it seems a no brainer and everyone should nust do it. But from where im sitti ng it just feels so hard and enormous a task. Ive deleted all my blog posts twice over the years as i feel stupid for never making it. It's been 4 years now. I feel bad for stopping and starting and when i
      I read your post last night i figured you thought I'm an idiot too. And if you think it so would others, and maybe I should just stop sharing my troubles online.

    2. sometimes when we can't get past the hump, any hump, maybe it's time to try a new angle....

    3. PDTG, I understand how you feel. I started my blog June 2016, and failed after 68 days. I've made progress for sure, but I've failed to stay sober. I won't lie, the times I controlled the amount I drank, I enjoyed it. The problem is I can't always control it, I overdo it and I feel awful for doing so. Plus, the amounts I drank when I lost controlled was ridiculously stupid, so very bad for my health, etc. So it's taken a few months (AGAIN) to convince myself I am not losing anything by not drinking alcohol anymore. Giving the timing for me, I read Michelle's message as a sign. I believe she wrote this from her heart, wanting to shake some of us up to stop and really think about what we can gain. I can't for sure know I'll make it a year sober, but I'm going to try AGAIN. I want to see what's on the other side of a year with no alcohol. Hang in there PDTG, your path is your own, pls try not to feel "less" than others because they "somehow" stayed the course. You are you.

  8. I would like to add this:

    When I was trying to give up again back in Nov 2016 I searched (and asked Wendy alot) what was it like being sober.

    I looked everywhere for proof that it wouldn't be boring, or why did ex-drinkers till want to drink even years later. I couldn't find the answer and although everyone said it would be better sober, my drinking brain just couldn't find the inspiration to quit. Non-drinkers just didn't seem to understand in my eyes.

    I wrote the above to share how I feel about what is really on the other side. It is not a lifestyle or a "everything looks like roses" as i don't look at the world that way. I have found that being sober opens the door to things. Changes how I think on a daily basis, makes me less reactionary more meditative. I process things more peacefully.

    Sharing this is, yes for me, but also for anyone else out there who feels they are wondering how or what could happen if they make the biggest hardest jump of their life.

    Best to everyone :)

    1. I know I read so many other people being able to get sober, it really helped me, too.
      It did take me 3 years and some humiliation to really be ready.
      I read books, blogs, and took the on-line tests to see if I was really an alcoholic. But ti was the writing on the wall that made me realize I had to make the change.
      Being sober has ONLY made my life better!

    2. Hi Wendy I trolled all the sites looking for people to tell me to just get on with it and everyone was so sweet and understanding that I think I just thought, who cares. For me it delayed the process, but I do understand that for others, and many addiction groups the hardline is NOT recommended. I think that is because it makes us feel terrible when we don't achieve a goal. However we feel terrible anyway and it's not like any of us would say "hey you are an idiot for drinking again". I drank after a year - I wanted to see what it was like and it just showed me how alcohol is no longer part of my life. We are all so different and this community can't possibly cater for all of us but I wanted to say "hey guys - it's well worth it, no but really"
      M xxxx

  9. Your post hit home with me. Yep, just need to do it. Day 3 here.

    1. x Good on you HD. It is bloody hard, and we are all different in our strengths. But it is often the underdogs, the surprising ones who sneak in past the finish post and we just never know who they are.... xx M I think sometimes I am one of them :)

  10. X I really needed to hear it a year or so ago. The carrot that was dangling just wasn't juicy enough - but it is real, it is much better than any dumb carrot and the alternative is, well, shit.

  11. We don't always make it - I didn't the first few (many times) but once I have come to this place it is worth sharing, just like it is worth sharing the crappy times. We are all here because we want change, we haven't given up - sometimes we need encouragement, that we are not failures, sometimes we need a good kick in the arse.
    M xxx

  12. Love your post, just fucking do it! Couldn’t agree more as I’m nearly 100 days and thought about it for too long before doing it. Still feeling somewhat numb and waiting for all those emotions, but I do love the sober respect for myself now.


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