Saturday, 11 November 2017

The Truth

Well you can say I am day 3 or a year in - it doesn't matter to me.  What does matter is being honest here and talking about how we live our recovery.

I decided a year ago that when I reached a year I would go back to drinking - but for the right reasons.  During the year I changed my mind 100 times but the seed was planted.  So when I reached a year, on day 366 I opened a bottle of Pinot Noir and had a glass (hid it from my kids).

WRONG REASON ONE - having to hide

Then I thought, well that knocked me on my arse but after an hour I don't feel much.  So I had another glass

WRONG REASON TWO -  wanting to be knocked on my arse

I didn't really like the taste even though it was a good bottle it was a bit strong but I finished the glass

WRONG REASON THREE - drinking for the sake of it

Then I realised I was having my third and not really enjoying it - on my own.

WRONG REASON FOUR - drinking on my own

The taste in my mouth was horrible, the smell was making me feel off.  So I threw the rest out. I cleaned my teeth twice but it stayed with me - the taste, all night.  When I woke up I wasn't hungover from the two and half glasses but my face looked like crap - hasn't looked like that for a year.  Kind of ashen and eyes not so sparkly.  I am too vain for this shit.
I do not really like alcohol anymore, and I DEFINITELY do not drink for the "right" reasons if there are any.  There are, however "wrong" reasons for me, of which I have only listed four above.

[3rd party crazy warning!]: 
Michelle drinks because she wants to be wasted, she wants the buzz and when it comes, she needs another hit, she is sneaky because she knows it is wrong for her.  She has anxiety and makes bad decisions so it is perhaps worse for her than others. 

If I ever want to have a drink again, I am very clear on the reasons that will be right for me.  I subsequently have to face that I may never have those "right" reasons because I have lived the wrong reasons for too long.

This year has taught me:


I can no longer lie to myself - All of you out there have helped me so much: PDTG (6 months - congrats) Wendy and Anne  (years) GG  and Hurrah. Sober Pursuits, Mrs S, KS, Lia, Sober M,  Northw.    Lotta Dann and so many more - I am sure what unites us is what we learned from abstaining from alcohol for any lengthy period of time and that is:

We can no longer hide, we can no longer pretend. We know what the problem is and we sure as hell are no longer going to lie to ourselves.  The lies: "do I really drink too much?"  "do I really have a problem"  "others say I am fine so fuck it"  "why do I feel so shit? I don't get it" "it can't be the alcohol" "everyone else does it" "everyone drinks for the same reasons"  "Tammy (made up) drinks as much as me and she is fine" "the whole fucking world is doing it so who cares?".

I am going to go out on a dangerous limb here, I don't agree with the fatalist view that we are victims  of alcohol once we have managed to do some time sober.  If we get past the hump, we know, so then it becomes a life-choice.  It's like anything, we have to be strong, powerful, thoughtful of ourselves and others around us, we have to be responsible.  It is our choice now.  ****

We know now the truth.  I know.  So now it is my choice, do I want to drink for the wrong reasons?  
No I do not.

Love to you all -
Day whatever and not the point
Michelle xxxx

****I wanted to add that this whole post is somewhat narrow minded and doesn't consider the addiction element at all.  That said I wanted a strong post so that I remember what I must do for me.
In no way does this belittle the powerful force of addiction.  I am an addict.


13 comments:

  1. I totally get this. There is a point in the addiction when the individual is so brain damaged(the prefrontal cortex) that the choice is totally removed but most of us in blogland aren’t there “yet”.

    We drink to numb. We drink to forget, we drink to get out of our minds. Its too easy and I think most drinkers do it to some degree.

    Once you know what you know you can go back to drinking but there will always be that cognitive dissonance in your head. You can never go back to blissful carefree imbibing. You know too much☺ You’ve taken the red pill Neo, there is no way of unknowing what you know.

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  2. Thanks Hurrah x I love this "You know too much☺ You’ve taken the red pill Neo, there is no way of unknowing what you know."
    and thanks for pointing out the brain damage which perhaps makes my post a little on the narrow side.
    Much appreciated as always
    Michelle xx

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  3. Thats right, you do know and you have come so far. You tried it out again (drinking) and it was no good. At least now you know for sure. That 2.5 glasses by no means undoes the last year. I'm so proud of you for sticking to your goals.

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    1. It also gave me the chance to feel the depressing effects of alcohol which I had well forgotten. There is a horrible wheel of guilt that comes with alcohol and I am not entirely convinced it is because I felt guilty, because I didn't. But I started to go over things in my head which I hadn't done in that way for ages. Alcohol is definitely not for me :)
      Thanks PDTG

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  4. Hi Michelle!
    You have done so well!
    Take what you learned and move on. I had a similar experience, after being sober for several months, I had one slip. Just 2.5 glasses. Hated it. The day after I finally could stop.
    You have been through a lot, and trying to raise kids, dates, animals, job...you are a busy lady.
    You have all of our loving support here!
    xo
    Wendy

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    1. Thanks Wendy so much - yes it feels like that. Lots of pain for lots of years, then a period without alcohol (1 yr) then the "experiment" or the quietening of the voices of addiction!
      Instead of being disappointed in myself i feel like I am one giant step further that I was all of that year. That's a massive surprise to me. I honestly thought I would enjoy parts of my drinking the other night - but I can honestly say I did not enjoy really any part of it. Although I wasn't hung over exactly, I had this horrible cloud of depression and loneliness that was worse than I remembered - but it was familiar alright.
      I hope others try some time away from alcohol to make the decisions they need to that is right for them :)
      thanks so much Wendy - as always
      Michelle xxx

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  5. I don’t think anyone needs a fatalistic view of alcohol unless they choose to.
    I don’t drink because it offers nothing and takes everything.
    I wrote a post about considering drinking again and I know for myself that I would want to get drunk. And that is enough to stop me from picking up the glass.

    My days of fun drinking are long over, woo hoo!
    I’m glad you are ok. Hugs.
    Anne

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    1. Hi Anne
      Really good point you have there.
      I have added a note to my post as it is somewhat narrow-minded and that bothered me today. I did want a stern reminder so when I look back I remember :)

      I will try to look for your older post but if you can add a link that would be great :)
      Thanks Anne xxx
      Michelle

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    2. I have written a few like this. I think I was trying to convince myself I was on the right path.

      https://ainsobriety.wordpress.com/2014/10/08/so-you-want-one-glass/

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  6. Hey Michelle, just read your post, I've been busy and not on here much ..one year is awesome and the rules are for you to decide. I love the matrix analogy. Quitting booze, sets us up on an interesting, challenging ,happy and sad adventure. The journey is yours, I feel privileged that you let me share some of it, love and hugs SP

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    1. Thanks SP - Matrix analogy, I do know the Matrix but forgot the "it's what we want it to be" lesson. It is a sad adventure, what is the saddest is now looking back on years of drinking and not realising how I was creating my own personal hell.
      Anyway - it is never too late to learn this lesson for anyone.
      M xxxx

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  7. So powerfully written, so strongly put, so greatly appreciated. I am in awe of what you shared. The truth is different for us all; you've achieved a great success in your life and I'm grateful to have been a very, small part of your journey. Your truth is real and not lying to yourself is the best gift of all! Congratulations Michelle!! Well done!!!

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    1. You sure hit the nail on the head Lia - the truth is different for all of us.
      Boy do I know now the truth for me - if it had not have been for all the support over the year, I wouldn't have made it. Without the alcohol-vacation I would not have known the difference. I think it takes at least a year to get most of the crap out of our body but am sure there are experts who would argue that either way.

      After a year, the horrible effects are so obvious for me that I can never go back. I would rather rob a hospital for morphine than drink alcohol (ok not suggesting this guys). Nor am I suggesting drug alternatives. It is just that me getting wasted on alcohol is no longer for me and it feels like PTSD (again not likening this to those who have been assaulted or in military) but I am traumatised by the years of depression caused by alcohol that I was using to medicate my anxiety.

      M xxxx
      Love to you Lia and watching your progress because we are all the same in this :)

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