Sunday, 13 August 2017

What's really going on? The Sneaky Gap.

I ask this because I really don't know.

It feels as though there are changes happening yet again. Like another wave of crap to deal with.
I have been asking myself OK so why now?  Why all the 'dealing with stuff" now?   Why not 5 years ago when I wasn't drinking so much - why now?

My daughter said on the phone the other day "this happened ....... and that was before you were drinking so much so it couldn't be the drinking"

This is something we all deal with, trying to work out when the drinking was the worst and the symptoms and behaviour were obvious.  Then the behaviour before that or inbetween which I think is the sneaky gap.

The sneaky gap of when we can't really blame anything for alcohol but the behaviour was still there.

I hope this makes sense.

Anyway I do believe that although alcohol is universally bad (I mean it is ethanol so we can all agree it's not exactly a health product) however there are some of us that have anxiety, stress, depression, head in the sand, whatever, that are more predisposed to alcohol related problems from the get go.

So when we (or me) go back and try to figure out when it all started - we come across the sneaky gap. The time when alcohol wasn't the most prominent in our lives, so how can we pin-point what the hell is/was going on.  Then when loved ones say "hey you didn't have a problem in 20__" or "19__" we think....ummm so maybe it's not alcohol after all.  This being the failure of many of us sober rabbits - we go back to drinking.  It makes sense right?

So maybe it's not the amount of alcohol making this behaviour - but alcohol, in any measure, sure as shit makes whatever it is SO MUCH WORSE.

So - I think I am answering my own question (love this blog) - perhaps I am unpacking heaps of crap right now, but I think in the past when things got tough i would have a drink, so things just never got dealt with.  They just sat in the background.

Maybe back then I wasn't pouring a bottle of whisky down my throat, it may have been a wine or 3 but something IN alcohol (like any drug) has it's own myriad of side effects, for the most part, are unpublished.  Nobody wants to know.  There are the liver disease etc but that is when you are almost dead - any clinical studies done are not widely published because they would compete with the wineries and the supermarkets etc etc.  Dr's all drink (ok a complete generalisation) so they don't want to go there - they have spent their life being rich enough to have the best wines so nobody is going to pour water on that thanks.

What happens to our brain function, processing of information, making good decisions - long after the effects have worn off?  Perhaps some of us are hit worse than others.

What else could account for me giving up alcohol not just physically - but mentally too - and having to face all of this?  It can't be a coincidence.

So keen to hear what anyone else thinks on this.


  1. Hi Michelle!
    I know I suffered from depression and anxiety long before my drinking took off.
    I do think part of the reason my drinking increased was to try to cope with these issues.
    That and I wanted the connections that drinking brought with co-workers.
    As my drinking increased very slowly, somewhere in there, my brain became addicted to the stuff.
    I think addiction is very complex.
    For several years before I was finally able to quit, I know of what you are talking about.
    Example...I was a workaholic, and I would think maybe if I didn't work so hard, I could back to drinking.
    However, as you said, drinking never made any of my problems better in the long run, and in fact, made everything worse!

  2. yes Wendy the chicken and the egg theory :)
    anxiety alcohol anxiety alcohol or
    alcohol anxiety alcohol etc

  3. I've struggled with a lot of health issues as a result of drinking and drugging. Many have taken care of themselves. Many remain. I'll never regain full feeling in my jaw, for example. That's always a nice reminder of what a drink will do to me.

    But, as for the rest, abstaining from alcohol (and working a 12 step program) helps "medicate" me. I'm crazy without it, that's proven. Great discussion!

  4. Interestingly I have just had this question answered by Mrs D. The mindfulness of being sober is the difference between the reactionary nature of being a drinker. "The Big Adjustment"

    Thanks so much :)

  5. Hope all is well, and you are in a place where you don't need to blog often. Miss you.


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