It feels as though there are changes happening yet again. Like another wave of crap to deal with.
I have been asking myself OK so why now? Why all the 'dealing with stuff" now? Why not 5 years ago when I wasn't drinking so much - why now?
My daughter said on the phone the other day "this happened ....... and that was before you were drinking so much so it couldn't be the drinking"
This is something we all deal with, trying to work out when the drinking was the worst and the symptoms and behaviour were obvious. Then the behaviour before that or inbetween which I think is the sneaky gap.
The sneaky gap of when we can't really blame anything for alcohol but the behaviour was still there.
I hope this makes sense.
Anyway I do believe that although alcohol is universally bad (I mean it is ethanol so we can all agree it's not exactly a health product) however there are some of us that have anxiety, stress, depression, head in the sand, whatever, that are more predisposed to alcohol related problems from the get go.
So when we (or me) go back and try to figure out when it all started - we come across the sneaky gap. The time when alcohol wasn't the most prominent in our lives, so how can we pin-point what the hell is/was going on. Then when loved ones say "hey you didn't have a problem in 20__" or "19__" we think....ummm so maybe it's not alcohol after all. This being the failure of many of us sober rabbits - we go back to drinking. It makes sense right?
So maybe it's not the amount of alcohol making this behaviour - but alcohol, in any measure, sure as shit makes whatever it is SO MUCH WORSE.
So - I think I am answering my own question (love this blog) - perhaps I am unpacking heaps of crap right now, but I think in the past when things got tough i would have a drink, so things just never got dealt with. They just sat in the background.
Maybe back then I wasn't pouring a bottle of whisky down my throat, it may have been a wine or 3 but something IN alcohol (like any drug) has it's own myriad of side effects, for the most part, are unpublished. Nobody wants to know. There are the liver disease etc but that is when you are almost dead - any clinical studies done are not widely published because they would compete with the wineries and the supermarkets etc etc. Dr's all drink (ok a complete generalisation) so they don't want to go there - they have spent their life being rich enough to have the best wines so nobody is going to pour water on that thanks.
What happens to our brain function, processing of information, making good decisions - long after the effects have worn off? Perhaps some of us are hit worse than others.
What else could account for me giving up alcohol not just physically - but mentally too - and having to face all of this? It can't be a coincidence.
So keen to hear what anyone else thinks on this.