Wednesday, 28 June 2017

We can't feel good all the time.

But I want to!  Why not!  It's not FAIR.

What a baby.  That's what I have been like since a teenager, always wanting to feel good and wondering what is wrong with me when I don't have a good day everyday.

I don't know how I made it to almost 50 without anyone telling me (more like me not listening) that people don't have good days everyday.

Maybe they do, but it certainly isn't what the average person experiences with kids to worry about, bills to pay, work commitments.  That is where drinking came in to help.  Now it is gone so my ears have opened.  I am listening & there is so much noise.

Un Tipsy (Wendy) said it in a few of her posts, about good and bad periods and it helped me to understand to let it ride - it will pass.  It is what it is and we have to just breath through it really.  I really hang onto this when times feel rough like the last couple of days.

The simple truth is, there are too many factors that influence how good my week can be - no matter how I try to protect myself.
  • A teacher at one of my children's school may need to talk with me, it might not go well
  • My sweet darlings might miss the bus and I have to drive through rush hour to school and back then am late for work - then my boss may be cross
  • a parent at one of my children's sports events might say something rude
  • I may genuinely forget to pay something and get a lecture or a rude phone message
  • I have to cook EVERY night and do the washing EVERY day - I may not feel like it
  • The car needs gas - I may not feel like getting it
  • The dog needs a walk - I'm too tired or it's too cold
  • There has to be FOOD IN THE HOUSE!!! grr  shit - it costs money, I have to trudge around with a trolley and buy it, then carry it into the car then into the house - we just eat it, I could have bought a dress (I know)
  • the kids might not be as helpful with the jobs then I get cross 
There are a bloody million reasons why I just can't shield yourself from "stuff" at the moment.

Then if I was retired with no kids at home - who am I kidding, there will always be outside influences that come into the "home" or your "safe place" which are going to affect your sense of well-being.
Even if you had the choice to lock yourself in a vault, that would have much more devastating consequences like the lack of good influences ...

Today I decided after working the morning, I would pop into some 2nd hand shops and look for some fun things to buy - I met an old work mate who told me about what is happening at my old job, how all his relatives are, this and that.  Afterwards I felt like my space was ruined.  That my relaxed fun stroll around was finished.  I have never noticed that before, I never noticed how outside things affect me and how I deal with it.... it was SO weird.

Then I decided to grow up and go home and make the best of the two items I purchased for my kids (disclaimer: my kids love things like this):

This was a medium/large silver box (about the size of your fist) which was black with dirt & was $4 (about 1 pound 50p or US$2.50).

I cleaned it for ages then lined it with olive green velvet and it will be perfect for my daughters little bits she loves.

This was .50c and is a tiny box with a dog-lion on the front (you can't really see it in the photo) and he's nuts about dogs.

I lined it with red velvet as my son has a couple of treasures which will fit perfectly in there. (fossilized dinosaur pooh etc)

Until I learn how to deal with my shit, I have decided to make something productive out of each time I feel stressed / anxious about outside influences.  Right off to clean the bloody shed!

Michelle xx

Friday, 23 June 2017

Substitution - it's complicated


I was hoping for some help on a really interesting subject that I haven't read much about.

Please have a look at Lia's post:

Brave Lia is a couple of weeks (about 2) into going without alcohol and would love to hear some experienced (and not) views on when we feel we are substituting and when we are not.

Michelle xx

Wednesday, 14 June 2017

Move Over Squirrels

OK.  It's not often I am lost for words however over the last couple of weeks a certain topic is really making me sound like an incoherent idiot.

Usually I can explain myself pretty well (even if it takes a while) or can bluff my way into making reasonable sense when in a physical discussion but this past week or so trying to explain what I am feeling isn't going so well.  So I am reaching out for some suggestions - anything you've got.... otherwise I am going to continue looking like I need a wrist tag and a white van to pick me up when I meet a friend at the supermarket.

The subject is alcohol.  This is what I am trying to say in points (so jumbled you can see why I can't get it together).

  • I think alcohol is really bad for everyone
  • Why? When there are some perfectly happy, well-balanced people who drink...
  • So maybe alcohol is bad for those with mental disorders, like anxiety, depression, or other things
  • Does alcohol create these things to get worse or is that age and then we drink to fix it
  • Why am I suddenly growing up emotionally for the first time ever? When I have had many periods in my life when alcohol wasn't a problem.  Why it because I hit my personal "bottom"
  • I never wanted to be one of those people who think alcohol is bad - but it is really coming on thick and strong.  When I up smoking years ago I never disliked people's choice to smoke (I smoke one a day now with my smug morning coffee)
  • I wanted to be one of those cool people who say "hey I don't drink but it's cool if others do" when, if I am to be REALLY honest, I think there is something really wrong with alcohol, the way it is sold, the light-ness of it's dangers, public perception...
  • I am sounding like a ranting loony but something is going on and I don't know what
  • There are SO many changes happening to my mind and "soul" that I am struggling to keep up
  • Are there people out there that only drink a little on week ends (just a bit) but somehow their whole week is revolving around just that tiny dangling carrot - how bad it that?  Perhaps it's a good thing to have something to look forward to if they are (not like me) a sensible drinker.
  • Is there such a thing?
So there you have it, it is a rambling mess in my head right now.  When someone asks how I am, I usually like to say my honest feelings in two sentences of what is happening for me right now.  So you see where this is going .....

I am in line with the squirrels....

I wanted to add this link I just read from Finding A Sober Miracle: (16.6.17)

Saturday, 10 June 2017


Nothing against Katy Perry but this is my painting shirt
I am going through a "fascination" with all the things I am doing since giving up alcohol.  So apologies in advance if I bore everyone.

Reading about simple things like making the bed and fixing our Tupperware, writing about the dog and the doors... it is all so inspiring for me.

I've said before I am an accountant, I am also a zookeeper but it doesn't pay the bills.  I want to do things that make me happy - accounting doesn't - so why am I doing it?

I have another job looking after some lovely old ladies a few hours a week.  It feels good to do it, their stories are so interesting and although I still do accounting the mix is really nice.

I hate my dyed blonde hair.  The mouse-brown that I naturally have makes me look angry.  I always wanted ginger/red hair but it is a hard colour to achieve and subsequently then maintain.  Well I have done it and would never have bothered when I was drinking.  The interesting thing is many people have commented and said nice things.  Someone I hardly know came up to me and said "what have you done to your hair - I much prefer it blonde"  no hello, nothing... like it is their hair.  In the past I would have been upset and got angry inside and eventually gone back to blonde.  Now I think - stuff you - stick it up your bum.

Equally I don't care if anyone likes it either..... weird.

M xx

Monday, 5 June 2017

The Simplest of Things

The Dog
Isn't it damn crazy why the simplest of things take us the longest to do.

The damn dog and the damn doors - all year, the 3-legged dog opens the doors, all year I go behind him and close the doors.

In winter it is cold with the doors open right? But he doesn't care, he doesn't feel the cold like humans do, so each time I curse at him "shut the damn doors" and "Tux, stop leaving the doors open"
What an idiot I am.

He hears "blah blah blah doors" (maybe he recognises doors now) and "Tux, blah blah blah doors blah".  It is like a bad Far Side comic with the idiotic human trying to convey to the intelligent dog that they are cold and want the doors shut.... What?

The Latch

So yesterday after ages of this going on (years if you count the dog before him) I finally fixed it for under $20.

"Ohhh What?"

 This was drinking for me - I have a hangover, I feel like crap, I am ruining my life, I am ruining my children's life.  What am I going to do?  Stop.  Simple.


The Result

Saturday, 3 June 2017


I don't think I have every many posts about others, except kind people or inspiring people.
Mostly about my struggles and happy bits throughout this journey.

But I wanted today - and I don't know why - to put it down, put it out there something that I pinched from Mary Kay's Facebook.  Now i don't have Facebook but there was a link on her great blog God Walked into this Bar and I saw this caption "Don't make excuses for nasty people. You can't put a flower in an asshole and call it a vase."

I am constantly doing that, looking at what I have done wrong to perhaps insight a nasty reaction (this doesn't happen much anymore because I made some decisions early on in my journey to detach myself from stressful people - whether their fault or mine it wasn't important).  However there are some people that you can't detach yourself from and that is life.  However in life I am now learning so much since not drinking; how to protect myself better, grow up emotionally, create safe boundaries, be a better more open person, be HONEST.

That doesn't excuse others though, and you just can't keep making excuses or excusing the odd nasty one out there - it isn't you ..... it is them.  It is their journey.  It is their life.  If they want to put a flower in their bum - they can, but I will not.
Chicken house

Love to everyone
Michelle xx

Added some photos of the chicken house the kids and I are building :)


Thursday, 1 June 2017

Box of Birds

Well it isn't always this way but last night I slept all night long!  I do that more and more since stopping drinking but it is always so much fun waking up knowing that my eyes haven't opened since around 11 pm the night before.

Anxiety can wake me at 3 am but sometimes (just sometimes) I get the whole night long - and it is so amazing.  I never would have thought something so small can be so joyous.

It is summer everywhere else (here in NZ it is winter starting) and I can imagine everyone is out and about doing Spring things as it is a bit quiet out there.  Our chickens have stopped laying as the daylight doesn't seem to be enough for them and am seriously thinking about a morning light bulb for them, but knowing me it will mean angry chickens and a fire :)

Wishing everyone a wonderful start to spring and winter wherever you are x
M xxx

PS a shout out to Mrs S too, I still think of your BBC interview and wonder how you are doing.

PPS - Jackie  What a great comment on my post :

"I remember all those times that i thought to myself...

1. At least I didn't do X
2. At least I'm not as bad as Y
3. At least I didn't drink as much as Z....

The problem with the "at least's" is that they continuously re-set and downgrade..."

Good one Jackie  How do we forget our A, B, C's yet know our X,Y, Z's - it is like we have to go back to the beginning, Michelle xx