Saturday, 13 May 2017

I HONESTLY thought I was high-functioning and doing well

Looking back over the past two years is eye-opening now.  I, hand on heart, thought I was doing well - drinking too much but still being a good mum, working, studying and getting my house finished.

When I look back over the past 6 months sober it is as plain as the nose on my face how little I achieved.  The sneaky curtain of alcohol is so very dangerous, everyone is doing it so how on earth did my life stop going forward and start to rotate in a rat-wheel like existence?


Since I have stopped drinking:


1.  My relationship with my elder daughter (23) is repaired and her trust is coming back
2.  My son (11) is getting A's and B's at intermediate ( he was barely a D prior to December)
3.  My daughter (12) well she is like a steam ship and it's harder to gauge the affect my drinking had on her, but she keeps saying "mum you are doing so good not drinking" so it must have been bad.
4.  I finished my kitchen
5.  I have started to do the rest of the house
6.  I changed jobs choosing a boss and work colleagues that suit ME also and not just the other way around.
7.  I understand my terrible reaction to stress and protect myself better 

Many other things also, but when you look at these things (and it comes up on a daily basis) you can't help but in-your-face realise the massive difference.

I could have kept going, I didn't have cirrhosis, I wasn't homeless, I wasn't drinking in the morning, I didn't get arrested, lose my licence or have friends telling me to stop.  I thought my life was good except the drinking (night sweats, guilt, hangovers)  I thought the anger was just part of being a hands-on mum.

Today in a posh food shop I like to go to a young guy was doing wine tasting, he asked if I would like to try some.  I said (not even smugly) no thanks I don't drink, I used to drink too much.  He gave me a look - a real look, like I'm missing out and said "there is no such thing as too much".  I said "there is when you are an alcoholic".   He was so ashamed - I felt bad.  But there it is right?  People can say hey the drinking club is the best in the world - pedaling ethanol is legal.  Imagine if it was cocaine?

I have found drinking to be the root of all my bad prescription meds behaviour.  I don't have the trouble I had before because my mind is back and it doesn't allow me to make dumb decisions on top of already dumb decisions.

I watch forensic or crime stories sometimes and always when there is drugs involved there seems to be alcohol at the beginning of the night.  Lately some key sports figures have been caught buying drugs overseas - they were so drunk they barely remember doing it.

Alcohol is a crazy scary beast.

M xxxx

14 comments:

  1. Don't feel bad about what you said to that guy in the shop. It will make him think next time before he tries to push alcohol on someone. I'm so glad you are doing so well.

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    1. Yes I think there has to be a half-way mark between human rights and our choice to decide to drink and the equally weighted choice not to.
      Thanks PDTG xx
      M

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  2. It sure is insidious. It is quite interesting to begin the process of readjusting ones belief about alcohol, and seeing it for the drug it is. We are so schooled in thinking that alcohol is a required part of sophisticated adulthood. All the time where I work and in my social circle people make jokes and comments about being drunk or hungover or having too much at the weekend as if that's a good thing and to be applauded. Such utter bullshit. I am so pleased I am out of all that. Xx

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    1. "part of sophisticated adulthood" what a great line. Who decided that? Way back somewhere it was and in a coming of age thing. The US has a whole college break almost dedicated to it with their "spring break".
      M xxx

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  3. I love how your kids are so happy for you!
    That is the best Mother's Day present!
    I am proud of you, for setting a wonderful example for them.
    xoxo
    Wendy

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    1. Yes i know!
      Today I received a letter from my daughter - it was one of the most beautiful letters I have ever read. I can't believe it was to me!
      So happy :)
      Michelle xxx

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  4. I remember all those times that i thought to myself...

    1. At least I didn't do X
    2. At least I'm not as bad as Y
    3. At least I didn't drink as much as Z....

    The problem with the "at least's" is that they continuously re-set and downgrade...

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    1. Hi Jackie

      Yes! the X, Y, Z's

      why is it that we forget the A, B, C's :)
      Michelle xxxx

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  5. Thanks so much for this brilliant post. It reminds me exactly what my life was like too ❤️

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    1. Thanks so much SM
      I love that picture - it is so "all of us" xx
      Mxx

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  6. I would have sworn the same and I was also very wrong.
    3 1/2 years later life is completely different and my relationships with my kids are what I wanted them to be.
    I used to ink I was so efficiency and was hard done by that I had to so so much and was unappreciated. Ha. I was just in denial and pain.

    Not anymore.

    Anne

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  7. It is really amazing reading this Anne because you are so grounded and balanced in all your writing and advice. Never give off any of the "hard done by or unappreciated" vibes at all. I am guessing because it is completely gone!

    If this is what I can become, that is such a great goal for me.
    I did feel so martyr-ish - could never understand why I was the prickly victim all the time. What a painful way to live, how exhausting. So much has changed over the past six months and looking forward to moving forward with all of this.

    Thank you so much Anne for taking the time to read and help through this community xxx
    Michelle xx

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  8. How far you've come and what a fabulous place to be! May I follow in your (and so many others) footsteps...and so true, "alcohol is a scary, crazy beast indeed!

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  9. Hi Lia
    It seems a long slow up and down process, not filled with bathtubs of floating flowers and candles that's for sure!

    The things that keep me going are my smug morning coffee and YES cigarette / the fact my kids like me again / my 64 pairs of shoes fit / my decision making process is getting better / I don't yell all the time / I don't feel like a victim

    Yikes, the list is really growing !
    The one thing that I don't miss (at the moment) is having a drink.

    Michelle xxx

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