But that is what I have and the realisation over the past couple of days feels like a start to something that is going to help my life change.
I can see now that this is why I was drinking. It is strange that I thought over the past 5 months that it was because I was shy, or sad, or bored, or angry or lonely.... the list goes on. Guilt, bad choices....
It was none of these things (but was all of them). For whatever reasons my life took the pathways that it did, I have to now STOP the cycle of blame, guilt and shame. It led to loneliness (not being alone) it lead to bouts of depression, fear and so many other horrible things. Then drinking and abusing medication.
Many other people feel like me and don't say. Social media (I don't have any apart from this) but looking up unrealistic truths about people I don't know isn't healthy and I know it. But an ill mind THINKS the things we make up in our heads are true. The ill mind isn't subjective - and it doesn't look after and protect you. It undermines and disables.
Looking after my mind and getting it well is my priority each day now. I am very grateful that I have still not had a drink (it's bloody amazing - and I still can't really believe it) I am grateful because now I have more days under my belt, more shit thrown at me and forceably sober so I can properly work out what the hell is wrong with me.
So now I know. I really know and I can start to fix it, because if I can stop drinking I can do anything.
I read alot about the Heads Together campaign and watched Lady Gaga talk to P William about her mental illness stemmed from when she broke her hip ligaments and still performed. Now each day is a struggle, she wakes up and the minute her eyes open she is sad and tired - doesn't want to get out of bed. She says she looks around her and is so lucky which makes her feel worse. Sharing and talking is the only way forward so she shared.
Many of us know what it is like to wake up and feel like this. I have been going to bed scared before I even go to sleep about "please feel happy tomorrow" "please don't feel down". Anxiety about this doesn't help. I don't want to talk about it too much as it is "depressing" or embarrassing.
I am determined to help my mind and my body - giving up alcohol is only a part of this journey which I honestly thought was the whole thing. This blog.... but it is not. Alcohol is just a terribly bad coping mechanism like the fuel on a fire scenario that we all talk about.
It is OK not to feel OK - even if it's for a LONG period of time until we figure it out. If you are feeling bad - please talk about it, you aren't a moaning pain, you aren't a depressing sad-sack, you ARE NOT a downer. You are a real person feeling bad and it may come and go or it may last for ages but talking about it is a great start to finding a way through.