Tuesday, 25 April 2017

Mental Illness

It's really hard just to write that down.  Mental Illness.  

But that is what I have and the realisation over the past couple of days feels like a start to something that is going to help my life change.

I can see now that this is why I was drinking.  It is strange that I thought over the past 5 months that it was because I was shy, or sad, or bored, or angry or lonely.... the list goes on. Guilt, bad choices....

It was none of these things (but was all of them).  For whatever reasons my life took the pathways that it did, I have to now STOP the cycle of blame, guilt and shame.  It led to loneliness (not being alone) it lead to bouts of depression, fear and so many other horrible things.  Then drinking and abusing medication.

Many other people feel like me and don't say.  Social media (I don't have any apart from this) but looking up unrealistic truths about people I don't know isn't healthy and I know it.  But an ill mind THINKS the things we make up in our heads are true.  The ill mind isn't subjective - and it doesn't look after and protect you.  It undermines and disables.

Looking after my mind and getting it well is my priority each day now.  I am very grateful that I have still not had a drink (it's bloody amazing - and I still can't really believe it) I am grateful because now I have more days under my belt, more shit thrown at me and forceably sober so I can properly work out what the hell is wrong with me.

So now I know.  I really know and I can start to fix it, because if I can stop drinking I can do anything.

I read alot about the Heads Together campaign and watched Lady Gaga talk to P William about her mental illness stemmed from when she broke her hip ligaments and still performed.  Now each day is a struggle, she wakes up and the minute her eyes open she is sad and tired - doesn't want to get out of bed.  She says she looks around her and is so lucky which makes her feel worse.  Sharing and talking is the only way forward so she shared.


Many of us know what it is like to wake up and feel like this.  I have been going to bed scared before I even go to sleep about "please feel happy tomorrow" "please don't feel down".  Anxiety about this doesn't help.  I don't want to talk about it too much as it is "depressing" or embarrassing. 

I am determined to help my mind and my body - giving up alcohol is only a part of this journey which I honestly thought was the whole thing. This blog.... but it is not.    Alcohol is just a terribly bad coping mechanism like the fuel on a fire scenario that we all talk about.  

It is OK not to feel OK - even if it's for a LONG period of time until we figure it out.  If you are feeling bad - please talk about it, you aren't a moaning pain, you aren't a depressing sad-sack, you ARE NOT a downer.  You are a real person feeling bad and it may come and go or it may last for ages but talking about it is a great start to finding a way through.


  1. I find writing and talking so healing.
    I too struggle with my mood in the morning, and then again around 2 pm.
    I did not know that Lady Gaga was suffering so much.
    I imagine Prince did, too.
    You are doing the right thing, getting and staying sober is the only way our minds can start to heal and see things clearly.

    1. Thanks Wendy
      If you or anyone has some interesting articles or conversation you have watched or read please post as it really does help
      Michelle xx

  2. That is such an insightful self realization. Understanding this will definitely help you along your journey and recovery path. I saw this in myself as well and could see how this facilitated my addiction without having other coping mechanisms. I found a therapist, who is herself a recovered (she says recovering though it's been 30 years) alcoholic, which has been great. I'm also taking natural supplements for anxiety and depression, which are really helping me. It is important to keep up what you are doing with the talking and writing through it. I did not know that about Lady Gaga either! So many artists, musicians and writers have mental illness.

    1. Thanks so much Juno
      I am determined as ever to find a way to live better - if that means living with mental illness, but in a MUCH better way that is ok too.
      Good therapy here is so expensive, I am going to look into it though as I have before but don't think I was ready.
      I know Anne has mentioned it to me
      Michelle xx

  3. You are a brave woman in all that you are doing for yourself. I admire you. Keep up your search for what works for you to deal with your mental illness. Reading this post tells me you will figure out what needs to be done for yourself. And know this, in your sharing, you are helping others too.

    1. Thanks Lia - so lovely to wake up and read this with my morning coffee in a rare moment of peace. That doesn't happen very often but this is my one aim and everything else will fall in beside my better state of mind.
      M xxx

  4. Yes I think its great to talk about these things. It helps to figure it all out, and then know the next step to take. I think a lot of us drink to cover up things like this. Even if we don't realise it at the time, or indeed for many years. It's all part of the process. I can't believe how long we haven't had a drink for either...


Feel Free to Talk to me.....