Saturday, 22 April 2017

166

It doesn't feel great this week.  I have plummeted into a downward spiral and can see what is happening only today after taking a breath.

Last week my 23 year old lovely daughter visited having a break from university.  I was so excited and so were the kids, on the phone she was too and we were chatting the past few months like the old days.  When I picked her up at the airport she was a bit cold but that was OK and over the next few days it seemed she was picking up everything I was saying and making it sound pretty bad.  I have actively campaigned against racism and animal cruelty, especially in my younger years however everything she was saying made me feel like a great big bigot and an old-fashioned mind-made-up arse.

After about 4 days I said to her that I felt this and we got into a big fight and she said that she was anxious about coming and no longer trusted me.  This was a massive blow and was really upset.  I was the only worker in our family and raising 3 kids, buying a house & renovating a house working 16 hour days - I know she could have had it easier.  I wasn't drinking then, that only started 2 years ago when she went away.  She is still angry that I kept going back to the kid's dad - I understand that.

We talked about it the next day and got on much better then she flew home.

All I have wanted to do since she left was drink.  I have looked up moderation drinking on about 7 websites and even started to plan buying some wine.  In know this is the result of a problem.
I think the problem is rejection.  Not coping with feeling rejected by my beloved daughter is my worst fear and am utterly feeling sorry for myself and trying to stay afloat.  I am aware that although i have had so much rejection from men in my life - this is primarily because I chose unobtainable, non-committing males and was MY choice.  Rejection though, has been a big part of my life.  I know my daughter loves me but doesn't need me and this feels very painful. What a sad sack!!! It is probably healthy that she doesn't - what the hell is wrong with me!

I am taking the kids out to the beach (getting wintery now) and the dog.  Going through my lists of what to do like I did during week one.

This totally sucks.  I am so sad and feel like I would rather die than live like this.   There has to be a fucking cure and off the "rat wheel" inside my head that I am a rejected failure.

7 comments:

  1. You are not a failure. I'm sure your daughter would not think that either. I'm thinking perhaps it's a stage because I am feeling the same way. Wondering about moderation. I know it's a big load of shit though. I would be right back into it. So I'm staying here. The stage will pass. If you drink your feelings of failing will get worse not better, but I know what you mean about the rat wheel. What is the magical thing to stop the constant thinking, berrating ourselves, and generally being out own worst enemy.

    Also as much as your daughter didn't like your choices in regards to your kids dad that was your choice to make, not hers. As much as that might have hurt her, my parents are split up and I have half siblings too. At the end of the day it's your life and your choice to make who your partner is. These situations are never easy, blended families have been my life, now as the adult and when I was the child. It's hard on both sides of the fence.

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    1. Hi PDTG
      Thanks so much for writing this x I agree, it's a big load of shit, especially when we haven't sorted out what is behind it all. I think for the first time I am onto something though....
      posted about it tonight xx
      Really appreciated reading this
      M xx

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  2. Michelle,
    That was so painful for you.
    I am really sorry.
    Drinking will never make that pain go away.
    PDTG was very wise.
    I am hoping your daughter will mature in the next couple of years, and realize you did the best you could.
    In the meantime, don't drink as that will bring you more heartache.
    Keep the line of communication open with her.
    xoxo
    Wendy

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    1. yes I am speaking to her each day and also listened to how she was feeling and vice versa so we are surely on the right track
      Thanks so much Wendy xx
      M

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  3. Michelle I am so sorry you are feeling so low and upset right now. Remember that drinking will not solve your problems. I also bet that your daughter in her head has maybe moved on from your argument? You can only ever keep the door open, keep the dialogue open and know that our children sometimes need to remove themselves from us. This hurts, but is necessary. Our kids can also say some enormously hurtful things to us. They can say this because they are secure in our love for them. They know we are safe and can be used as their punch bag and we will just keep bouncing back with "yes I still love you! " I hope you managed to get through this. Sending lots of virtual hugs. Xxxx

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    1. you are so right - they can just be "really - oh I thought we were all good"
      I am not drinking through any of this as I just can't make anything worse right now x Thanks again SP
      M xx

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  4. I am so so sorry you are going through this and feeling this way. I really hope that you can look at this as a stage that will pass (like the waves crashing or clouds passing as my therapists says). It sounds like you are talking through things now and I hope that continues and you can patch things up soon. Your story hits close to home in that I did not start drinking out of control until I had issues with my son. My son is in third grade and has special challenges, but is doing much better at the time. I had emotional scars from family trauma growing up (including mental illness and a suicide) and I just went through life like Polly Anna like none of this affected me. Until I had my son. Then everything came to the surface and I was diagnosed with complex PTSD due to the delay experiencing previous trauma and the new stressors with dealing with a son with similar issues. That's when I started drinking heavily and didn't see the connection until later in therapy. My worst fear is that he will end up like my brother and commit suicide and I will watch him in a downward spiral and have no way to control it. I worry about rejection by him also. Things are good now. But I know rough times will come again and all I can do is be responsible and proactive and do the best I know how to do (seek help if we need it, like we have before , and it has helped. I don't know what we would have done without these specialists and doctors we have seen). The rest I have to let go. I can't control everything. That is the hardest fricken part for me. Why can't we control everything and Why is it so hard to be a parent?! I am just past 90 days sober. When things have gotten stressful, I honestly haven't craved alcohol much (ok, a few fleeting thoughts about a Chardonnay on the sunny porch). Alcohol will never be an option for me again. I tried moderation a few times when I first recognized my problem a few years ago. It started off ok, but never lasted and I was always worse off than where I was the last time I drank. I just think that when a person crosses that line into abuse, depending on how long that pattern lasts, the brain chemistry is permanently altered and I think the chances are small that a person can go back to moderate drinking. I really don't want to anyway. I feel so much healthier without it. Everything I have read from reputable sources that are not tied to the alcohol beverage industry is that it is bad for you and raises cancer risk even in moderation. The alcohol bev industry makes me so mad that they keep people in the dark. The whole wine is good for your heart thing is a load of crap! I will just say one more thing. When I finally decided to stop, it was after a three day binge and I woke up the last morning feeling so damaged both physically and mentally and spiritually and this feeling lasted for two weeks (a two week hangover!) and I just knew that if I kept doing this, I could die. I mean that could really happen. I was that bad. I turn 50 in a month, and I am going to do everything to make this second half of my life alcohol free and fearless living in the present moment.
    I really hope you keep hanging in there. You have inspired me.

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