Saturday, 29 April 2017

Half-Way to 1 Year (Almost) .... Advice Appreciated XX

Hi everyone,

172 days so almost half-way to a year and was hoping to read a bit of advice from those who made it to and past this point (or didn't and are still trying xx).

I noticed the last few weeks (it has stopped for now) that I was pretty close to thinking I could have a drink or two again.  Really very almost did it too - which is the closest I have been since giving up.

The scary thing is that in the beginning of this journey, I was fighting the urge to drink but I would consider that time as more of a violent reaction, this latest feeling so was passive and "normal" that it scares me WAY more.

I almost "rationally" and "calmly" had a drink.   WTF??

Very glad I didn't but how did I get so close?

M xx

Tuesday, 25 April 2017

Mental Illness

It's really hard just to write that down.  Mental Illness.  

But that is what I have and the realisation over the past couple of days feels like a start to something that is going to help my life change.

I can see now that this is why I was drinking.  It is strange that I thought over the past 5 months that it was because I was shy, or sad, or bored, or angry or lonely.... the list goes on. Guilt, bad choices....

It was none of these things (but was all of them).  For whatever reasons my life took the pathways that it did, I have to now STOP the cycle of blame, guilt and shame.  It led to loneliness (not being alone) it lead to bouts of depression, fear and so many other horrible things.  Then drinking and abusing medication.

Many other people feel like me and don't say.  Social media (I don't have any apart from this) but looking up unrealistic truths about people I don't know isn't healthy and I know it.  But an ill mind THINKS the things we make up in our heads are true.  The ill mind isn't subjective - and it doesn't look after and protect you.  It undermines and disables.

Looking after my mind and getting it well is my priority each day now.  I am very grateful that I have still not had a drink (it's bloody amazing - and I still can't really believe it) I am grateful because now I have more days under my belt, more shit thrown at me and forceably sober so I can properly work out what the hell is wrong with me.

So now I know.  I really know and I can start to fix it, because if I can stop drinking I can do anything.

I read alot about the Heads Together campaign and watched Lady Gaga talk to P William about her mental illness stemmed from when she broke her hip ligaments and still performed.  Now each day is a struggle, she wakes up and the minute her eyes open she is sad and tired - doesn't want to get out of bed.  She says she looks around her and is so lucky which makes her feel worse.  Sharing and talking is the only way forward so she shared.

Many of us know what it is like to wake up and feel like this.  I have been going to bed scared before I even go to sleep about "please feel happy tomorrow" "please don't feel down".  Anxiety about this doesn't help.  I don't want to talk about it too much as it is "depressing" or embarrassing. 

I am determined to help my mind and my body - giving up alcohol is only a part of this journey which I honestly thought was the whole thing. This blog.... but it is not.    Alcohol is just a terribly bad coping mechanism like the fuel on a fire scenario that we all talk about.  

It is OK not to feel OK - even if it's for a LONG period of time until we figure it out.  If you are feeling bad - please talk about it, you aren't a moaning pain, you aren't a depressing sad-sack, you ARE NOT a downer.  You are a real person feeling bad and it may come and go or it may last for ages but talking about it is a great start to finding a way through.

Saturday, 22 April 2017


It doesn't feel great this week.  I have plummeted into a downward spiral and can see what is happening only today after taking a breath.

Last week my 23 year old lovely daughter visited having a break from university.  I was so excited and so were the kids, on the phone she was too and we were chatting the past few months like the old days.  When I picked her up at the airport she was a bit cold but that was OK and over the next few days it seemed she was picking up everything I was saying and making it sound pretty bad.  I have actively campaigned against racism and animal cruelty, especially in my younger years however everything she was saying made me feel like a great big bigot and an old-fashioned mind-made-up arse.

After about 4 days I said to her that I felt this and we got into a big fight and she said that she was anxious about coming and no longer trusted me.  This was a massive blow and was really upset.  I was the only worker in our family and raising 3 kids, buying a house & renovating a house working 16 hour days - I know she could have had it easier.  I wasn't drinking then, that only started 2 years ago when she went away.  She is still angry that I kept going back to the kid's dad - I understand that.

We talked about it the next day and got on much better then she flew home.

All I have wanted to do since she left was drink.  I have looked up moderation drinking on about 7 websites and even started to plan buying some wine.  In know this is the result of a problem.
I think the problem is rejection.  Not coping with feeling rejected by my beloved daughter is my worst fear and am utterly feeling sorry for myself and trying to stay afloat.  I am aware that although i have had so much rejection from men in my life - this is primarily because I chose unobtainable, non-committing males and was MY choice.  Rejection though, has been a big part of my life.  I know my daughter loves me but doesn't need me and this feels very painful. What a sad sack!!! It is probably healthy that she doesn't - what the hell is wrong with me!

I am taking the kids out to the beach (getting wintery now) and the dog.  Going through my lists of what to do like I did during week one.

This totally sucks.  I am so sad and feel like I would rather die than live like this.   There has to be a fucking cure and off the "rat wheel" inside my head that I am a rejected failure.

Saturday, 1 April 2017

Smart Recovery

Hi Everyone

Winter is coming here (and summer for many out there)  Both seasons are a time to drink when the habit overtakes the enjoyment.

I wanted to post this as it is a great article that I read a while ago.

Sometimes we don't have to hit rock bottom to know we have a problem :)

Michelle xx