Tuesday, 14 February 2017

The light that came from nowhere.


I didn't expect it.  I have read a bit from others about happiness and light.  It doesn't exist for me... until now...

The first sign was a month or so back when I woke up and felt a little bit of joy.  That came and went and was fleeting.  Now something else has happened.  As I achieve small things, as I enjoy my kids and what I am doing with my time.  How productive I have been lately, joy and light of the day and calmness of the night is creeping in.

I don't think I ever knew this, as a young women in her late teens and early 20's it was all party, drink, men, drugs.  That kind of life is super hard to keep any type of control over.  I remember being very stressed keeping it all together.  I would think "why is my life so complicated, so hard, so full of anxiety"  Too young, too dumb to realise that I was making this puzzle.  I was creating this life.  That I indeed created this.  I wish someone would have sat me down and looked straight at me and said "Michelle, you can create anything you choose, you can choose to make a different life"

I believed it was all fate, destiny and just rolled from one bad relationship to another, on and on and on.  The pressure to look beautiful, to have the best boy, to go to the best parties, to have it all.  To have absolutely totally nothing.  And that never occurred to me, not once to change. All I knew was I was heavily stressed and anxious all the time - terrified.

So when finally at aged 33 (15 years ago) I met the father of my two 11 and 12 year olds - I thought right - now is the time to settle and have a lovely life.  He seemed like a kind gentle guy - he would be nice to me.  Within 6 months he slept with his ex - not once, not twice but many more times and she called me to tell me.  I loved him and we ended up back together and for the next 10 years we struggled.  We created children, we argued, it was a mess.  11 years ago we got married when I was pregnant - 5 years ago we got divorced.  4 years ago we remarried and 3 years ago we finally separated.  We are good friends and keep good boundaries.

This reflection shows the life of someone who never knew emotional maturity, someone who had no self-respect, no boundaries, just no fucking idea what she was doing.  At all.
No wonder I wanted to die.  No wonder I had no hope.

Now I have hope, I want to life again.  It is just early and there is light where there was darkness, but it's a beginning.

Michelle xx
99 days today

6 comments:

  1. I love this so much. I personally believe I can only feel joy when I don't drink. The feeling never comes while drinking, it's numbed all the time. But every time I'm sober here it is. I can walk down the street and it hits me, driving in my car listening to music and it hits me. I love it. Also genuine excitement is a feeling I get now too which I don't while drinking.

    As for not having a clue what you were doing with your life, you are not alone. I shudder to think of some of the stuff I have done, my entire 20's were all over the place. I think back to that person and wonder who the hell it was.

    I'm so happy for you, I truly believe that we are just at the beginning of our journey at day 100 so can't wait to hear what happens next! X

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    1. I have been reading over your 100 days back in Aug last year and then to October and it's crazy how obvious it is the struggle with alcohol we have in our posts.
      It is kind of like the alcohol demon takes all of our brain matter and scrambles it then changes it to make us think that we-have-a-problem-but-we-blame-everything-else-first type of thing.
      then without alcohol the freedom in your writing. I wish i was doing so Well but it does come and go a lot from this end.
      Congrats on the 100 days to you too xxx Mxx

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  2. 100 Days Today!
    I am sorry to hear about the hard times you had with your ex, but glad you have a good relationship today.
    Growing up is hard.
    There are certain areas in my life I still have a ways to grow.
    What I love about this post, is the light and joy you are seeing today, is real, and it will continue to bloom!
    xo
    Wendy


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    1. It's funny Wendy, today out of the blue I was in the super market and thought "wouldn't it be great to have a glass of wine tonight"
      After kids basketball, cello picking up dropping off - it is so disjointed. Working is soooooo much easier and facing this mundane taxi service (with no money at the end!) is a pain in the neck.
      But it is good, and it is right - and it is my responsibility. So I am going to keep going. It will get easier.
      M xx

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  3. I remember day when the black clouds parted and the sun peaked through. When I realized that sobriety might just change everything.
    There is so much light and love. It isn't always easy to find, but it is there.

    Keep going. See what happens.
    Anne

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