I didn't expect it. I have read a bit from others about happiness and light. It doesn't exist for me... until now...
The first sign was a month or so back when I woke up and felt a little bit of joy. That came and went and was fleeting. Now something else has happened. As I achieve small things, as I enjoy my kids and what I am doing with my time. How productive I have been lately, joy and light of the day and calmness of the night is creeping in.
I don't think I ever knew this, as a young women in her late teens and early 20's it was all party, drink, men, drugs. That kind of life is super hard to keep any type of control over. I remember being very stressed keeping it all together. I would think "why is my life so complicated, so hard, so full of anxiety" Too young, too dumb to realise that I was making this puzzle. I was creating this life. That I indeed created this. I wish someone would have sat me down and looked straight at me and said "Michelle, you can create anything you choose, you can choose to make a different life"
I believed it was all fate, destiny and just rolled from one bad relationship to another, on and on and on. The pressure to look beautiful, to have the best boy, to go to the best parties, to have it all. To have absolutely totally nothing. And that never occurred to me, not once to change. All I knew was I was heavily stressed and anxious all the time - terrified.
So when finally at aged 33 (15 years ago) I met the father of my two 11 and 12 year olds - I thought right - now is the time to settle and have a lovely life. He seemed like a kind gentle guy - he would be nice to me. Within 6 months he slept with his ex - not once, not twice but many more times and she called me to tell me. I loved him and we ended up back together and for the next 10 years we struggled. We created children, we argued, it was a mess. 11 years ago we got married when I was pregnant - 5 years ago we got divorced. 4 years ago we remarried and 3 years ago we finally separated. We are good friends and keep good boundaries.
This reflection shows the life of someone who never knew emotional maturity, someone who had no self-respect, no boundaries, just no fucking idea what she was doing. At all.
No wonder I wanted to die. No wonder I had no hope.
Now I have hope, I want to life again. It is just early and there is light where there was darkness, but it's a beginning.
99 days today