Monday, 6 February 2017

Finding support

Support isn't going too well - except for my wonderful blog :)

I spoke to my friend who was taking me to AA yesterday eve and suddenly freaked out.  During our conversation on Friday we shared some stories and I said that I haven't had a blackout but often wake up finding I have txt or emailed something random and made arrangements to do things.  I didn't forget doing it, but needed prompting by looking at my phone.

I have never forgotten everything, I have never got shit-faced at someone's house and ended up pissing in the garden, I have never drunk too much at the pub and nagged everyone to keep partying when they aren't into it.

That doesn't in anyway lighten what I did do.  I couldn't stop thinking about alcohol, I couldn't stop drinking even for one night, I made stupid decisions about pill-taking when I was drinking, I drove drunk, I became utterly selfish and I was depressed and curing it with alcohol. That didn't work.  not once.

Anyway, she called me on Sunday and said maybe I should consider NA, and I said what made her mention that as NA isn't very developed around here, much less so that AA.  AA seems to deal with alcoholics that: overeat, gamble, take drugs, addicted to all sorts of crap.  So why single this out?  She said she felt that I had never had a black out so maybe AA wasn't the one for me.... but of course she would take me and said that I am sure you belong it's just nobody she knew at AA had ever not had a black out.

This really put me into a "shit what will I do now spin" and I know that it is only her experience but after 22 years at AA surely she knows her group right?  I did say to her that my idea of someone that belongs at AA is someone who finds alcohol is ruining their lives and others around?  Those who can't stop and all the other.  She agreed but I felt weird and so txt her on the Monday morning saying that I got panicked and thought another time would be better.  Didn't want to say the truth and now thinking what is my next support in my seeking out support mission.

To be honest I am getting a bit fucked off and today felt like a drink - but that would be just self-pity and where will that get me.

But I am feeling worse than three days ago.  Bugger.
Today I started crying watching something on TV about people having partners and me not.  What a sad sack.

9 comments:

  1. You haven't had a blackout...YET. I'm not sure why your friend would imply that you don't have a problem with alcohol because you haven't blacked out?! That seems really, really odd to me. Maybe a different group would be a better fit? I'm not sure, but I do know that blacking out is NOT a prerequisite...and if you had continued drinking, the blackouts would come (!), but why on earth would you wait until then to get help?!!! That's just craziness.

    Anyway, just wanted to say hello, and send you some cyber hugs:)

    Hugs
    Jaded
    xo

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    Replies
    1. I'm a YET, too!
      And yes to your comment!
      xo
      Wendy

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  2. Hi Jaded x
    This mirrors my thoughts exactly. I struggle with not drinking each day and am learning to deal with life's issues without alcohol. I have no doubt where I was headed and it was escalating so quickly near the end of September. If I waited until blackouts occurred or worse... well that just terrifies me.
    Thanks for your support x
    M xx

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  3. I never had blackouts either. When I was young and used to go to drinking there were nights that are hazy, I don't remember well, but nothing like that for 20 years. I would still go if I were you. You don't have to blackout to have a problem, I definitley don't anyway. x

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    Replies
    1. thanks PDTG - sometimes you just need a kick and a little push right?
      M xx

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  4. Michelle,
    That was an odd thing for her to say.
    It makes no sense.
    No one has ever said that in my 2.5 years of meetings.
    I hope you are feeling better today.
    You are right, drinking would make you feel even worse.
    Hugs from me!
    xo
    Wendy
    Is it possible for you to push the re-set button and go to the next meeting with her?

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    Replies
    1. Hi Wendy
      That was good to read "push the re-set button" and it is exactly what I did.
      I went to a meeting yesterday in the city and was completely exhausted last night and found myself asleep by 8 pm (last thing I heard was the kids playing Silent Night on the piano)
      Today I called my friend and hit "re-set" and we are going to a local meeting next Wed. She is so supportive and understands my hyper-sensitivity I am feeling.
      A good night's sleep right?
      Michelle xx

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    2. Awesome. That was a very odd comment for her,
      No one has ever asked me anything at AA. People only know what I have offered.

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    3. Yes I think that other's experiences are just that. I was being super sensitive to every word and the truth is that AA (after my meeting last week) offered no judgement - just support
      M xx

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