Support isn't going too well - except for my wonderful blog :)
I spoke to my friend who was taking me to AA yesterday eve and suddenly freaked out. During our conversation on Friday we shared some stories and I said that I haven't had a blackout but often wake up finding I have txt or emailed something random and made arrangements to do things. I didn't forget doing it, but needed prompting by looking at my phone.
I have never forgotten everything, I have never got shit-faced at someone's house and ended up pissing in the garden, I have never drunk too much at the pub and nagged everyone to keep partying when they aren't into it.
That doesn't in anyway lighten what I did do. I couldn't stop thinking about alcohol, I couldn't stop drinking even for one night, I made stupid decisions about pill-taking when I was drinking, I drove drunk, I became utterly selfish and I was depressed and curing it with alcohol. That didn't work. not once.
Anyway, she called me on Sunday and said maybe I should consider NA, and I said what made her mention that as NA isn't very developed around here, much less so that AA. AA seems to deal with alcoholics that: overeat, gamble, take drugs, addicted to all sorts of crap. So why single this out? She said she felt that I had never had a black out so maybe AA wasn't the one for me.... but of course she would take me and said that I am sure you belong it's just nobody she knew at AA had ever not had a black out.
This really put me into a "shit what will I do now spin" and I know that it is only her experience but after 22 years at AA surely she knows her group right? I did say to her that my idea of someone that belongs at AA is someone who finds alcohol is ruining their lives and others around? Those who can't stop and all the other. She agreed but I felt weird and so txt her on the Monday morning saying that I got panicked and thought another time would be better. Didn't want to say the truth and now thinking what is my next support in my seeking out support mission.
To be honest I am getting a bit fucked off and today felt like a drink - but that would be just self-pity and where will that get me.
But I am feeling worse than three days ago. Bugger.
Today I started crying watching something on TV about people having partners and me not. What a sad sack.