Wednesday, 1 February 2017

Crap Shit .... Grr Crapity Fuck

OK and I am swearing

My kids (11 and 12 in a couple of weeks) started high school - they get on the bus at 7.30 am and arrive back at 3.45 pm.  They go to wonderful intermediate/high schools, one girls one boys and although I am not sure about whether it is good to be not co-ed, all and all I think mixing young teens with different sexes surely takes your mind off school work.  They socialise with boys and girls and they are each a boy and a girl and play here at home so stuff it, it seems like a great idea.

They are gone.  It's sad and I feel the long holidays are now over, summer is baking the land and I am inside writing this.  I have so much to do, hours and hours of housework, hours of house renovations to do.  What happened to all the excitement in finishing all of this?  Where has it all gone damnit.

I haven't had a migraine for two weeks and that is great, I haven't touched a drop of alcohol in now 86 days (shit thought it was 90 by now).  I still battle with pills but it is usually around when I have had a migraine and without the alcohol I have reduced interest in painkillers.  The relationship I had with pills was around drinking, without alcohol the effect is gone so it is just going through the motions, which is boring and expensive.  So I am clean and I am bored.

I am not regretful of leaving my job and have been offered another so will see about that tomorrow. But I am bone-bored and it is definitely a state of mind.  I realise, being sober, that it is not a truth, it is just a feeling.

The feeling is I am bored, I am tired, I am a big fat pain in the arse.

The truth is with or without alcohol I would feel like this anyway, but I would be drinking my way through it.  There would be no break only temporary numbness followed by worse feeling-like-crap.  Sober, I have a chance.



9 comments:

  1. Exactly. Sober you can figure out what inspires you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Anne x

      I read this just now from Dorothy Rowe's book:

      We all know that beyond and within ourselves and our mundane world lies a reality which is awesome, mysterious and unknowable except in those rare moments when it reveals itself to us. If we deny that it is there, we deprive ourselves of a rich and vibrant nourishment and so we become meagre and limited people mere caricatures of what we might have been. If we recognise this reality but insist that we know exactly what it is, if we see it in terms of some fairy story where the good are invariably rewarded and protected and the bad punished, then we have to spend our lives denying our perceptions and lying to ourselves about our experiences, forever engaged in the game of make-believe. But if we can face and acknowledge the awesome mystery, then we shall know great fear and uncertainty, but we shall also know, in rare life sustaining moments, the greatest joy, wisdom and delight. These moments make the rest of life worthwhile."

      Somewhere after first bit about denying life's secrets and the second bit about pretending we have it all figured out - perhaps lies the secret to simplicity and simply enjoying life. I used to know this, I used to live this, how it has become forgotten and lost to me is a mystery. I was a contender to living, now I am having to learn how to get back on that road. :)

      Delete
  2. "Sober, I have a chance" so true. And when this passes, as it certainly will, you will have sober to enjoy the jolly parts.

    I like that joy, wisdom and delight phrase. It's true, too. I have feared and been so uncertain, but then I have flashes of real true joy in life. Xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks SP - I am so determined to stay sober
      M x

      Delete
  3. It's just a phase, that's all. It comes then it goes. The idea of renovating is exciting, the reality is a lot of mess and cleaning, but it will be worth it when it's done. I'm glad you are doing better with the pills too. X

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks PDTG - I have passed the tired grumpy bit and am onto the, yay keep going phase.
      Today I got a migraine and tried the sumatriptan 6 mg/0.5 ml injection. It worked in 5 mins! It is now 12 hours later and I am perfectly fine.
      Very excited about this and it isn't a recreational drug at all so that makes it super safe for an addict like me.
      Mx

      Delete
  4. I had many of those days.
    I still do at times, but not nearly so much.
    It will pass.
    Do what you can, and just focus on one thing at a time for a little bit.
    I love your last line, as that is exactly truth.
    If I were still drinking, I would be do nothing. Or I would try to drink through the chores, and then get sloppy. I shutter every time I think about that.
    Anne is so right, now I am finding what inspires me.
    Much Love,
    Wendy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are right Wendy, head down and get on with it. It did pass and only 4 horrible days but at least I am sober.
      M xx

      Delete

Feel Free to Talk to me.....