I think this is because of:
- My surprise at ever lasting this long
- My initial thoughts after about a month was this isn't too hard and I am maybe "cured"
and could perhaps look at moderation.
- Then my complete surprise that at three months I am aware of how bad this thing really is and how much of a strangle-hold alcohol had over me.
- That this 3-month realisation has caused a "fuck-it" attitude kind of like "well hell I am an addict (really and truly) so I will have a drink if I want.
- Then the final realisation that I need support to keep myself safe. To keep my family safe. To stay on track
So now is the time to focus and to keep reminding myself of where I was headed. The self-loathing and guilt, piled up on top of itself to leave a person who didn't care about life much at all.