Thursday, 9 February 2017

3 Months in - time to focus

I feel that three months in can be dangerous.  For me it feels a little bit so.
I think this is because of:

  1. My surprise at ever lasting this long
  2. My initial thoughts after about a month was this isn't too hard and I am maybe "cured"
    and could perhaps look at moderation.
  3. Then my complete surprise that at three months I am aware of how bad this thing really is and how much of a strangle-hold alcohol had over me.
  4. That this 3-month realisation has caused a "fuck-it" attitude kind of like "well hell I am an addict (really and truly) so I will have a drink if I want.
  5. Then the final realisation that I need support to keep myself safe.  To keep my family safe.  To stay on track
So now is the time to focus and to keep reminding myself of where I was headed.  The self-loathing and guilt, piled up on top of itself to leave a person who didn't care about life much at all.

M xx

8 comments:

  1. I concur that the three months/100 day mark is a risky time. We have enough distance from ourselves as drinkers to start thinking we were ok... Our addict brains can really go to town on it all so we think we can just reset and be normal. I have no idea about anyone else but I know for sure that one drink today would set me on a path of daily drinking immediately and quick increases in volume. Don't get me wrong, I still crave and sometimes I am raging mad that can't drink and feel so nihilistic about the whole damn process. But that is rare now. When it happen I get scared and that is enough to keep me on track. Xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's such a great way to put it "nihilsitic about the whole damn process" It really sums up what I think we all go through. And it is such a process isn't it?
      The thought of putting myself through all of that again is horrible.
      Thanks SP xx
      M

      Delete
  2. I don't know where I was at 3 months, but I do know lots of people have written about this time.
    And I know I never want that horrible self-loathing and guilt again, either.
    I don't to hurt hubs again.
    Michelle, you are on your way, and just look at the peace of mind you have now.
    xoxo
    Wendy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Wendy - yes I feel like I have achieved so much in the past three months, I am so close to finishing my kitchen, working with the kids schools, sold my old Mercedes today (a bit sad) and bought an American Dodge Journey. Much more practical ...
      Speaking of journeys, it is hard to say if I would have done anything like this because the "functional alcoholic" behaviour was very very quickly turning so bad. I am really kidding myself to think I would have achieved any of this if I had not stopped when I did. The addict in me say "probably" the reality is "definately not".
      I want to stick with reality now. Not flower everything into how it wasn't that bad. The reality is why hadn't I finished the kitchen or concentrated on the kids last year? The answer is so obvious but that is an alcoholic for you... pretend, pretend pretend..
      Thanks again Wendy
      Michelle xxx

      Delete
  3. Absolutely this is a risky time and I am right here with you. I have been here twice before so I know how things turn out if I drink. You are right we need to keep ourselves safe. Speaking for myself I am definitely not cured. And you are right we are addicts and this is no reason for us to give in to that. We are not 'that' sort of addict. We are the ones who take action, make changes and overcome our challenges.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes definitely not cured! But sticking a it because I just don't want to go back - there is not light there for me.
      M xx

      Delete
  4. I still have these exact thoughts from time to time. Okay, you've learned your lesson. You know how out of control you were; you can be a social drinker. You can have a glass of wine now and then. Ummm...no. No I can't. Back in my sober boat floating along...

    ReplyDelete
  5. thanks Jamie - yes I am back in the mind-set of "no doubt" which is good at 113 days.
    Good for you knowing and remembering how we are not pretty drunks!
    M xx

    ReplyDelete

Feel Free to Talk to me.....