Tuesday, 29 November 2016

Dr Seuss - thank you

Today is a good day.  I have woken up AWAKE!  I celebrate that I no longer have hangovers, I celebrate that I have support from all of you lovely people out there that I couldn't do without and I celebrate the understanding from my family.

Hello to the USA, UK, Netherlands, Australia, New Zealand, Canada, Germany and today Ireland - it is so fantastic and special to me that we can all connect and help each other.  From the bottom of my heart - I could not do this alone.  Thank you so very much. 

M xxxxx
PS (so far I am grateful for not having to go out and get help publicly - which means sitters for my kids and exposure.  I will do that if I have to though, I am absolutely resolved in getting well). 

Monday, 28 November 2016

299 792 458 m / s

That is the speed of light apparently - and that is how fast these past 3 weeks have gone for me. 

Everything is the opposite of what I expected (almost everything).  Not how difficult it would be, I get pissed off at the supermarket, the alcohol is on the right when I walk in and there is so much of it. Damn it, it is next to the vegetables so I have to go elsewhere to buy my vegetables now, I just don't want all that wine and beer under my nose like that.

Time though, has gone fast - I seem to be going to bed later and later as I have so many things I want to do - books to read, my diary blog, my yoga (yes it day 3 of the 30 day challenge with Adriene)
I wasn't that into it but it is really great and i actually quite liked it today - thanks Mrs S - are you up to day 3 tomorrow?

Walking the dog with the kids, talking to the kids, rearranging my furniture (what was I thinking before!) finish renovating my house slowly.  We bought a 100 year old piano today - a German Wilhelme, and it's so cool.  I can't play a note but the kids are musical like their dad so they love it.

I work 4-5 days a week (9-3 ish) and my boss's wife is still totally nuts - today she was going on about how to save a document on her computer but doesn't understand the documents folder is located in C:\users\hername\documents and said to me "I just click one button" so I said yes that is a shortcut on your quick task bar "documents" but now you are looking through another program so this is where the documents folder really is located.  "No no no!!!! too many buttons.  I just click once! One Click!! always one click" This rant just kept going whilst I just used my "new yoga breathing" and she kinda tapered off.  She did come back in full-force to say I must name her computer "Rich Angel" and it must show up when she turns it on - so she can channel the energy through it. 

I am going to swear again : For fuck's-sake I really don't know if I can make it until Christmas.  Avoid Avoid Avoid.  xx M xx

Sunday, 27 November 2016

Rage Against the Machine

In the words of  Rage Against The Machine I need to "Take the Power Back". 

I'm sick of myself, it's getting tiring... I sick of being so sensitive, I'm sick of saying sorry all the time, I'm sick of trying to explain myself to people who don't deserve an explanation, I'm sick of blaming myself for past mistakes I have made with relationships, I'm sick of trying to prove myself at work when my work speaks louder and better than I could, I'm sick of trying to please everyone I meet so they will like me when I have good friends and family.

Fuck it!  I'm good enough and now I am sober I am 1,000 times better.   
I have taken the first step in taking the power back.

Saturday, 26 November 2016

Yoga - really?

Thanks to Mrs S @ Mommy's Done Drinking I have taken up the Yoga challenge - we are both doing it so if anyone else out there is too, shout out :)

Just to say that after years of being the accountant for a yoga studio in Byron Bay Australia I never did a single class.  I would have rather eaten broken glass - but I am pretty desperate.

I did my best to relax, the dog wanted to join in and went into several "poses" which meant the roaring of laughter from the kids saying "hey look mum he's better than you".  Nice.

I kicked everyone out and finished Day 1 which I did enjoy.  It's Sunday and I really wanted a drink today after have kids over from other families.  I felt I had nothing to look forward to so the Yoga did help, although it brought attention to the fact that my lovely wool carpet could do with a spring clean (it look good but nose-in-carpet brings surprises).  I am very thankful for invite and WILL get through the 29 days left.

M xxxx
PS Hello Australia - it's so exciting seeing another country, especially so close.  It's just a badly written diary but it helps me so much :)

Friday, 25 November 2016

I'm not here to make friends

I know I have been adding to my diary so much lately - but that's what it's for right ? :)

I just read this and I have to quote once again, Grey's Recovery. I won't paste the whole thing here but here is the link if anyone is interested. Many of us are not in "treatment" formally and are doing this tough via like-minded souls on-line.  I think it is also great to have or be able to draw upon the knowledge of people working on the ground.  Ken replied to me straight away from Grey's Recovery and I find that so important at this stage of recovery.  I have commented on a few blogs and I love the people I have met so far, Wendy xx Sally xx Ainsobriety and more.  Some people just want to write their stories with much better journalism skills than my shoddy mess - and don't write back.  That is so OK :(, but I have to say (from someone who thought I didn't want anymore friends) I am completely wrong.  M xxx  Love to you all and I really really appreciate the support! Makes the world of difference.


I'm Not Here To Make Friends

"When I worked for an inpatient facility I heard it at least once a week. Sometimes it was an individuals justification for isolating or sometimes for a harsh word, perhaps a cover for shyness, not wanting to show weakness. Often it was a declaration meant to show me the counselor how dedicated the individual was to recovery, a vow that the individual was willing to forgo most if not all of the softer parts of rehab and dive head first into the hard work that lay ahead. These folks were never without their journals and worksheets, they carried their Big Books clutched in their hands and read them at every break. "I'm not here to make friends!" They would say though they might have said another common mantra of the newly sober "I'm not like these other people." I would often lay awake at night worrying about these folks.

Two reasons I see this as a red flag 


 This goes for any worksheet. The free ones you find online, the expensive ones you purchase on your own and photocopy without permission, the ones that use a 4th grad vocabulary and the eloquent ones, recovery cannot be found in any of them. For that matter it can't be found in the Big Book either, it's not in a PowerPoint, a self help book, a video or in your favorite therapeutic card trick. In my opinion the vast majority of curriculum in rehab has very little value for the person in recover. These trappings are really more for we the professionals than those that come to us for help. They exist to make us look like we know what we are doing. They allow us to say "take two and call me in the morning" and fill the long hours with"programming" which the organization charges a sizable fee. Research indicates that educational lectures, videos and PowerPoints have almost no value for the person in recovery but many continue to lecture and play videos and continue to call it treatment. The videos give us time to catch up on our notes, the lectures are easy and one cannot invent the wheel on a daily basis so who can blame us? Because we put so much importance in these activities clients often mistake them for recovery. The "Not Here for Friends" folks most of all. So we take energy and focus which could be used more effectively and waste it on a hamster wheel.


The most damaging thing about addiction is how much it isolates. Humans are social creatures and we don't just want to interact with each other we need to. The Rat Park experiment if it can be applied to humans indicates that isolation and an inability to alleviate it by making new connections may be the key difference between someone who abuses substances when in a tough situation but stops when out of that situation and someone who gets trapped in a cycle of substance abuse becoming addicted . As chemical dependency counselors it is important to spot the clients who use our assignments as an excuse to isolate and encourage them to socialize. 
So we find ourselves with addiction that isolates, which may have been caused by isolation, we pull these people away and isolate them from friends family and work to treat them and to keep the lights on we professionals need to fill their day with programming so we can bill for our services. What's the solution? Obviously I don't know but here are some ideas.

Fewer lessons, more discussion. Keep the clients talking to each other not just to you. If you see that a client isn't joining the discussion prompt them and train you more outgoing group members to draw them out.
Focus on developing social skills. Role play uncomfortable social situations, talk about the clients anxiety over social situations and how to overcome them.
Make your homework social. Tell your clients to go to a meeting or some other sober gathering. Have them talk to 3 or more people. Have them journal about the feelings this inspires.
Make your programming fun. Provide the opportunity for your clients to take social risks and be silly in the safe supportive environment of your program. Play music, dance, tell jokes, or sing.

Greys recovery - The house won't fall down

I found this in Grey's Recovery and I had to read it twice to let it sink into my slow morning brain.  Recovery started for me earlier in the year, but I kept drinking.  I knew I had to deal with the problem underneath and even started to look at it - but wasn't ready to stop medicating the problem with drugs and alcohol.  Now I am so I found this made sense to me:

Our partially built houses won't suddenly disappear because the hammer "dropped the ball for a day"   nor do you have to start the house all over again.  

Extract from GR:
"Mistaking abstinence for recovery is like mistaking a hammer for the house it was used to build. It's a mistake I've made, it's a mistake built into the policies of most treatment centers, and it can be a dangerous mistake for those who come to us for help. While a hammer is a useful, maybe even a necessary tool for building a house, it doesn't mean you have to start over just because you lost it for awhile.

I also don't believe that recovery and abstinence necessarily happen simultaneously. For instance, my recovery didn't really begin until I had been abstinent for almost a year, but since becoming a chemical dependency counselor it is quite common for recovery begin long before a client's last use. But whenever it begins it's important to remember that sustained abstinence may goal, but it is not the goal. A carpenter's dream isn't just to own a hammer, it is to build with that hammer."

It is a powerful message about recovery and the importance placed on the process rather than the "day count" (which by the way I love!!!)  Recovery counts.
M xxx
PS totally off the subject - do you know how much fucking jobs around my home that I have done now that I am not drunk and/or thinking or waiting to be wasted?  I have planted trees, wallpapered unfinished parts of the house, moved furniture around, chucked out so much CRAP!!!!  Yay xxx

Thursday, 24 November 2016

Happy Sober Thanksgiving to the USA

Wishing everyone who helps me through messages and support in the USA, a very happy Thanksgiving and be strong!  This time of year adds another later to recovery especialy when we meet up with family and friends who maybe don't understand the extent of our problem and try to say hey "one won't hurt".

Unfortunately it is left to us to deal with the aftermath, the guilt, shame and drop in confidence that follows our climb to the top of the mountain.

Whatever you do, remember YOU started this journey so you should be PROUD of yourself regardless.

Happy Thanksgiving xx

M xx

Wednesday, 23 November 2016

The Embarrassing Truth - Lesson 1

Now I have had a couple of weeks, my mind is starting to let me look back a little, just a little and it is coming in in flashes of clarity.  It is a bit weird because my thoughts seem to be focusing on past relationships that I have had with men.

I am going to call it Lesson One as I have the distinct feeling there are going to be a few and I will have to revisit each over a long period of time going forward.

I am easily embarrassed and this is going to be bloody hard journey.  I can see a pattern of dysfunctional relationships with me as the Rescuer and the relationship ending up to be bad news.

As part of trying to save our marriage I found a psychiatrist and we both went.  My husband was diagnosed as a narcissist which I didn't know anything about at the time, and I a rescuer.  I immediately ended the relationship and after 15 years it was strongly recommended I attend narcissist abuse therapy.  The psychiatrist said that it was doubly tough because we share children and little or no contact was impossible. I recognised my rescuing behaviour and installed some barriers to protect myself for the first time in my life.  I strongly believe that Rescuing behaviour (that I have/had) is due to a deep insecurity.

Before my marriage,  I think back over my relationships (and there were many) and they were based on alcohol - the courting stage so to speak, consisted of drinking, bars, dinners with alcohol, drugs sometimes with alcohol, parties with alcohol.  Past partners have often been in the spotlight so my life has often been in the media - alcohol and drugs are everywhere and it seemed normal.

I actually thought this was totally functional, and any other form of "getting to know each other" was "square" and for "boring wierdos".

100% of all my relationships started with alcohol.  Even if I met someone outside of this arena, I would bring them or they would bring me into the drinking arena.  I have no doubt that some of the best guys with the best intentions probably lost respect due to my "fun" outlook and treated me accordingly.  I also now believe that the outcome of some of these relationships would have been completely different had we have gotten to know each other in a sober environment.

I can see now that this gives the message that this is the type of person I am and this is what I accept.  Perhaps this works in other people and their relationships, but not for me with MASSIVE unresolved problems underneath the drinking.

For years I have thought "I'm a nice person" "I look pretty good" why don't I have a loving relationship?  Why am I so unlucky?

The embarrassing answer is: I made the decisions, I orchestrated this outcome - bad luck has nothing to do with anything that has happened here.  Sure relationships are hard - but I made them impossible.


Morena Everyone!

If anyone has any answers on why I feel so dehydrated all the time please help.  It has been over two weeks now since my last drink and I am so thirsty all the time and my body feels dehydrated.  I am drinking water but maybe not enough?

I guess because I know alcohol to be so dehydrating that I assumed now I would feel hydrated, but I seems to be getting worse.

Thanks to everyone's support too!  It is so incredibly helpful xx

Tuesday, 22 November 2016

It's just a really bad habit - The Sober School

Today feels tough, there have been some tears and everything feels raw.  Mrs D's blog says this a lot and I now I know why.

I felt like stopping at the bottle shop tonight but kept driving,

Came home and read the below extract from The Sober School: I like the bit in bold because we have to remember this is a habit.  It is hardly likely a habit like biting your nails can be broken without a struggle, let alone if the nails contained a drug.  Imagine trying to stop that habit!

update 8.22 pm - I had to go to the dairy to get something to add to our dinner, first time I have been up to the corner shops at night without buying alcohol.  My blog is like a roller coaster of : I'm so happy, I'm so grumpy, I'm so everything!! Now I'm so tired :)  going to bed early - this day needs to end xxxx M


"Cravings are something you’re bound to experience in early sobriety. All of a sudden, drinking is all you can think about. That little voice in your head whispers, “Just one won’t hurt.”  The thing to remember about cravings is that they say nothing about us. They’re not a sign that you’re weak, flawed, destined for failure or doing anything wrong. Cravings are simply a sign that we’re changing a habit and we’re feeling it.

I don’t believe in quick fixes – tackling cravings is only half the story. For long term sobriety, you also need to debunk the myths about booze, learn new coping mechanisms and tackle the root causes that drive you to drink in the first place.

So, dealing with cravings is only one part of the puzzle … but it’s a really important one! And that’s why I want to share with you some simple but effective strategies for stopping cravings in their tracks:

1. Listen to the craving.
Cravings nearly always have something to tell us – they’re often a sign that something is wrong and we need to address it. For example, it’s no coincidence that we get the strongest urges to drink around 6pm – a time of day when we’re the most tired, hungry and thirsty. So always check: are you really craving an alcoholic drink? Or are you dehydrated or in need of some food? Have something to eat. Drink a few glasses of water. Guzzle some green juice. If you have to, eat a few sweets for a sugar boost. (Whilst sugary treats aren’t ideal, but in the grand scheme of things, they’re better than drinking.) If your body is telling you that you’re tired, go to bed early. Drinking alcohol is a sure-fire way to not get a great night’s sleep – you can guarantee you’ll wake up tired.

2. Change your environment.
This is a quick way to change how you feel. You could head outside and go for a walk. You could run off your cravings, or swim away from them, or sweat them out in hot yoga. If you want to stay at home, then something simple, such as having a hot bath or shower, will often do the trick.

3Play the movie to the end.
Set the timer on your phone for 2 minutes. Close your eyes and start picturing your drinking as a movie – if you choose to drink, how’s it going to end? What’ll really happen if you have ‘just one’ drink? Be honest. How many times have you promised yourself that you’ll stop after one or two, only to find that you have no off switch? The fantasy is always that you’ll be able to control your use this time – but if you could do that, then you would’ve done so by now.
Think about how you’re going to feel in a few hours time. If you drink, what will you end up doing? What will you look like? Will you go to bed and sleep soundly, or will you wake up tired and dehydrated in the middle of the night? How will you feel the next day – physically and mentally? What will it be like to have to start over and go through another Day 1? Think through everything in detail. This is what’s at risk if you drink.

Ask yourself: what will alcohol do to change this situation?
This is a great question to keep coming back to. Alcohol doesn’t change ANYTHING! When you sober up, the world will be exactly as it was before. The thing that drove you to drink will still be there. Only you’ll be hungover, tired and irritable – so it’ll be even harder to cope with. Alcohol never changes anything, it just makes you feel worse. People always talk about alcohol being ‘relaxing’ or ‘a great stress buster’. But I’ve yet to meet anyone who wakes up the morning after a big binge, feeling relaxed and stress-free. Instead they feel guilty, sick, tired and worried.

5.  If all else fails, strike a deal.

Agree that you’ll reconsider the situation … tomorrow morning. Deciding to drink again is a big deal, so you need to sleep on it first. You’re not taking drinking off the table completely – and you’re not committing to quitting forever – you’re simply postponing the decision. I think it’s highly unlikely you’ll wake up in the morning and say “I really regret staying sober last night”. But if for some reason, you do wish you had a hangover, then you know what to do! At least you’ll have made the decision to drink in a rational way, in the cold light of day."

Monday, 21 November 2016

Headaches and Happy

Now I am getting some solid headaches, just a dull ache and not too bad.  The itching is annoying but it is so hard to find the time to even have a bath - which helps.

It is now 6.16 pm and I should be making dinner but just wanted to write down my day and see how everyone else is doing out there xx

Work is settling down now my boss's wife has started early, now she is there she has sort of stopped worrying and seems relatively uninterested in the job after all.  She still goes into crazy rants about angels so I just avoid being trapped in a corner :)

It's my ex-husband's birthday today (we are still married actually as he hasn't signed the papers yet) and he wanted to pick up the kids, then decided he "suddenly" had a gig in town at some upmarket bar.  Fine with us, we just find something fun to do and the kids are so happy to be home playing by the pool with the dogs.  I just remind them their dad loves them but well is famous in his mind so we see him whenever...  He is on tour and was when we were together so they are used to it.

We did however all catch up for an hour or so before he left and he said to me, hey look at this cool bottle opener (in a shop) and I said yeah but I don't drink so don't need one.  He said "oh sure, that won't last - you are kidding about this right?  I mean it's not forever M"  I said that I didn't know but I really can't imagine wanting to go back to where I started two weeks ago.  My mind was completely stuffed and I just don't want to go into that place again.  I don't know what that means yet....  I just think "thank god, thank god, thank god"  He said that I had given up before and lasted about 3 weeks - I don't remeber that nor feeling like this, nor did it ever get as bad as it was the day before I gave up.  What does he know? - dumb-ass :)

I feel happy.  I hope so bad that I can hang onto this feeling as long as I possibly can so when it gets tough (I know it will and maybe tomorrow or maybe the next day) I HAVE to stick at this.  This is one of the most worthwhile things I have done in my life.

M xxxx

The Invisible Curtain

Today was a good day, it was an average day but I was living it instead of counting down the hours until drink o'clock.

It's amazing I was so afraid to start this, I read my first post "terrified" and I was.  I was so scared that I would have nothing to do and boredom would kill me, I just didn't want to take the step and I really thought I couldn't.  My mind and body were screaming to stop the abuse but I couldn't.

I now can't believe how busy I am, there are not enough hours in the day - I just have so much to do.  What the hell was I doing before?  Did I get all this done? If so, did I do it badly?  I can't remember what I did under the cloud of alcohol and drugs.  I must have been on some kind of deranged auto-pilot, falling out of bed, making kids lunches, driving to work and dropping kids off on the way, working, picking up the kids from school, opening the first drink through to you-know-the-rest.  Cooking laundry etc

Perhaps because I was doing the actions that is what gave me the OK to do what I wanted - drink etc.  Then dammit, I became depressed, guilty, looked like crap, cellulite ridden (and I'm not large), couldn't leave the house after 3 pm, didn't walk the dogs, chased the kids to bed asap.  This was the pattern for YEARS!  What was I hanging on to?  I was hanging onto the addition of alcohol, it is so powerful and you don't even really know it at the time.  Alcohol is so bloody dangerous in the hands of someone that thinks they control it.  Someone like me.

There is an invisible curtain and you just can't see past it.  Now I have pulled the curtain open and stepped through to the other side I can't for the life of me understand why I didn't do it earlier.  Years of pouring ethanol - a neurotoxic psychoactive drug into my body thinking this was fun and interesting.  How totally boring is that?

The things I can do now that I haven't in ages:
Read books (didn't have the concentration)
Go out after 3 pm (we just all came back from 7 pm puppy class)
Communicate with more patience with my kids
Answer the phone after 7pm
Plan stuff to do on the weekends
I've started running
Walk the dogs with the kids for over an hour after school
Help the kids more with their homework

Thinks I don't do anymore:
Drink & take pills
Watch endless TV
Complain and moan all the time (where did that go?)
Feel like crap in the morning
Look like crap (it's getting better day by day)
Throw away $150 plus per week (may as well of burnt it)

I am vain, like most people, why the hell did I do this to myself - I look so much better after nearly 2 weeks, vanity alone should have stopped me!  To anyone out there (NZ, UK and USA thanks for reading these poorly written diary extracts) who is thinking about quitting as they are abusing substances - just do it for two weeks and look in the mirror.  Trust me, if nothing else, you will look better before you maybe feel better!

Like I said, today is a good day.

M xxx

Sunday, 20 November 2016

Dreams and a Restless Sleep

Just when I thought I was "hey perhaps this will be easier than I thought" everything comes in at once.

I had a bit of trouble getting to sleep last night so finally nodded off at 11.30 just to wake at 3 am with itchy ankles and back.  It felt worse than flea bites - so I had a shower which works on flea bites.  But no! alas does not work for this problem.  Then the dog woke up and paced the house, opening all the doors to the outside balconies.  Got up shut them.   He opened them,  I shut them.  He opened them etc etc and so the night went on.
About 4 am I think I just passed out and woke at 6.30 feeling a bit like crap with bad dreams coming in and out before I woke.

Well today is going to be a good day - at least I do not have a hangover right?!  Have a great day everyone :)


PS Soberrecovery.com says it lasts for 5 days but I am not sure if that is after the almost 2 weeks I have done.  Nice to know you are not alone - if anyone has experienced this please let me know x

Saturday, 19 November 2016


Reading back over the last few days it is almost comedy to see the dramatic shifts in moods - each day something else seems important, the very next day - no longer so.  It's great to laugh at yourself :) x It is great to be present and not wasted.   I've spent the whole day mowing the lawn and doing the garden with the kids - it was so much fun - they actually helped.  A friend and her children dropped over for an hour and we had a laugh about nothing.  The day didn't start like that.

8.10 am
I have read Mrs D's blog a lot in the past and was put off a bit by many of her posts talking about how grumpy she has been over the past 5 years.  I know these emotions were mixed with joy etc but grumpy was a strong message over the blog. (PS I am a big fan still of course!)

I woke up this morning a bit grumpy and had a dream about drinking alcohol like one of the other lovely bloggers.  I was sitting on my own and just thought to have a glass, half way through I was like "hey I am not allowed to do this!"  and threw it out.  I was horrified in my dream.

Woke up grumpy anyway - hopefully grumpy is not the outcome of this process.

8.30 am
Update - I quit my job very nicely on Friday (today is Sunday in NZ).  It's pretty fatal if the boss's wife is joining the business and doesn't want me there.  So I sent and email, thought that best apporach.  I also don't want to be surrounded by drama that I can't control during this process as it only makes me want to drink so badly.

Anyway th BW (bosses wife) phoned just now saying that she was sorry and her "energy" is very powerful and although she doesn't want to beg she is really wanting me to continue.  It was a nice thing to do and she offered to come over and discuss further and I thought we could leave it until Monday.  She has called her current gardening job to let them know she is taking her leave as her notice period so she will start tomorrow too.

So let's just see right?

I have made a promise to myself to look after myself and my family better.  I have to make sure I am healthy to do that - I will not risk it for a job.  Fortunately finding another is not too hard, just takes a confidence kick-up-the-arse and off you go.  I have no idea why my personal life and work abilities are polar opposites.


Friday, 18 November 2016

Friends and Aquaintences

This from “Moody Thursday” https://livingfreeofalcohol.wordpress.com

"I look back~ back at when I used to drink so much~ and the people I see around me are scary.  The people I used to surround myself with were just… awful.  Nobody cared about my well-being.  Everybody wanted something from me.
The real friends were very far and few.  No one could be trusted.
I used to put up with things I would not put up with now.  Not in a million years.  I even dated a domestic abuser at one point     Wow.

So what changed?  Simply~ I sobered up.  I stopped drinking.  I allowed my mind to clear from the fog of alcohol.  And once the fog was cleared, I saw manipulators all around me.  People who weren’t worthy of my friendship or love.
That was because I thought I wasn’t worthy.  Not of my friendship, and certainly not of love.

 “We accept the love we think we deserve.” -Stephen Chbosky.

 This isn’t an exception.  This isn’t something that happened to me only.  I’ve seen other alcoholics who gravitate to people that degrade them, abuse them, and put them down.  They allow others to kick them while they’re down.  They have friends they cannot trust.   If you think there just “aren’t any good guys left”, or that “you just can’t trust people”, or that your last three exes were “crazy”, just stop drinking long enough to clear your mind.

 There’s a HUGE amount of truly amazing, inspiring, and kind people out there.  They are just out of alcohol’s reach.  Once I threw alcohol away, I got away from the people who were taking advantage of me.  One by one, they fell by the wayside.  I’m proud to say that my eyes are open now, and it would take a magician to pull one over me.
 When I sobered up:
·                     My mind cleared.
·                     My self-esteem sky-rocketed.
·                     My body became healthier (and, therefore, sexier!)
·                     My confidence rose, and so did the quality of friends I chose.
·                     My b.s. radar became top-notch, so that I no longer put up with crap.

You should stop drinking long enough to see that the world is full of amazing people, and that YOU are one of those amazing people

 I’m serious.  Stop drinking so that your amazingness will shine.

Thanks "Moody Monday" this is a great insight.  I used/still do have something odd happen at work or with one of my friends, something not nice, that would make me sad or cry.  At the time I would think it's unfair or wrong and "now I really need a drink so i doesn't hurt so much"  and after a bottle of wine I would start to realise that of course it is my fault for being so ridiculous.  I mean how can it be anyone else's fault after all?  IN MY MIND they were happily partnered and more together than me (again IN MY MIND).  So  I would call them, before I drank too much more and it may have been obvious, and apologise profusely,  They KINDLY forgave me and we would start over.  This happening so often.

Now I am sober (2 weeks on Tuesday) they are still doing the same things and I am saying to myself "hey what?!"  This sort of behaviour is unacceptable and I don't have to apologise for anything.  Sure we all fuck up and do the wrong thing but I am a fair and reasonable person, honest and kind with heaps of empathy and would help man, women and child.  I love working with animals and I was working for the Women's Refuge for a time which was hard but satisfying.

I studied/am studying at uni (part-time) for 10 years and have had fantastic jobs and friend over the years. SO WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING PUTTING UP WITH THIS SHIT.

No more, I'm getting my mind together, and I'm Cleaning House!

Footnote:  some of the behaviour from others that I have apologised for:
1.  "friend" yelled at me at a local pub about something small and stalked off.  I was talking to one of her ex-friends and this set her off.  I called her to beg forgiveness and listened to a lecture about the other person and why I shouldn't associate with her (PS I am 49 years old not 10)
2.  Crazy lady at work scenario who yells at me telling me I can't see the Angels and she can and I will never be able to.  I end up apologising WTF!
3.  Married to an actor musician who sadly was diagnosed a narcissist (didn't even know what that was), we are separated and have a good arm's length relationship for sake of the kids.  I apologise for EVERY incident not matter what. (Might be safer to just keep doing that) :)
4.  Passive aggressive friend who always gets me to do things for her and her brat daughter and then hands over the silent treatment when I say anything in complaint.  You are going to see silent now honey!!!! Yes I am mad,
5.  Another friend would only be my friend if the kids and I always went out to her house (20 kms from my house and the school).  So she could drink and not drive. Umm.....  So I would go over and sit and watch her drink and then drive home and drink heaps - txt her to thank her for a wonderful evening.  GOD

Yup only 2 weeks sober almost and I am seeing things on a much fairer playing field.

Days when it isn't easy

A terrible day at work, my bosses wife and her crazy, nastiness towards me are driving me nuts.

It started earlier in the week:  The whole office computer system has no back up so stupidly I suggested a back up drive and MyCloud (our own network).

It was going so well, everything mirrored from Dropbox onto MyCloud and just connected the backup drive to make, well ... a back up and then an email can through my new computer.  My new computer by the way had no virus protection as the bosses wife thinks angels protect it - an email came in and it was : Locky malware file extension .thor.  Crap

It immediately infected my computer and everything attached to it including wireless connected devices.  This meant the new MyCloud, the storage device and even Dropbox.  The whole lot is gone. I have taken the computers in to our local computer shop to try to get them "shadow" restored but that will be the best to hope for.  Locky Ransonware is a particular malware targeted pretty much everything except .pdfs and they are not able to be fixed now that they have been encrypted.

My boss is pretty cool about it as I made a partial back up about a month back, but his wife things I have brought bad Angel Energy and slammed the door in my face when I went to get a glass of water.

I feel terrible about it.  I don't want to go to work on Monday but I have to be responsible an not let my boss down.  We are so busy.

I wanted to have a drink so badly when I came home from work - instead I took the kids and the dogs for a long walk.  Then got home and cried, rang my poor 23 year old university student daughter.  Crap Crap Crap  She doesn't need the responsibility of a broken mother and I have to find a solution as to what to do when I feel this bad.  I started this problem - I have to end it and it's my responsibility not anyone else's.

I feel like I am a giant fucking pain in the ass.
I cooked the kids a lovely dinner and they are happy and playing which is cool.  It is 9.05 pm and I would be numb by now with at least 2 beers and a bottle of wine and I'm not because I haven't had anything but crappy ginger beer,

Shit Shit Shit
This is going to be worth it.  This is going to be worth it.  This is going to be worth it.

Thursday, 17 November 2016

The Worst Drug

I've tried and then kept trying many drugs.  I haven't tried Heroin nor Meth (well only once when someone a few years ago gave me a pinch of crystals at some black tie event and I was so drunk I just took them).  I know from others that Heroin and Meth can grab you around the throat and not let go.

I have recreationally used (mostly in my 20's):
Special K
much Cocaine
some more I can't even remember and..... Alcohol

I have to say alcohol is the worst drug I know because it is so socially acceptable and the damage is absolutely catastrophic when abused.

It is like a sneaky cat that worms its way into your life and makes you think your are much BETTER when you associate with it.  It makes you inhibitions go and you make dumb dumb dumb decisions like take drugs to get a better buzz, drive a bit too drunk to the bottle store to get more, sound stupid, act stupid, ruin relationships, promote selfish behaviour at the expensive of everyone AND make you feel like shit the next day.  It makes you go back for more because you are not complete without it.  A sneaky cat that, if not controlled will ruin your life completely.

I like all animals, but not the sneaky drink-cat, not anymore.  No one can train cats - they have a mind of their own and so I have no idea why I thought "hey, I've got this".

Image result for sayings about alcohol

xxxx M

Wednesday, 16 November 2016

Problem drinking Problem mind Problem drinking

It's like the chicken or the egg theory, which came first?  In reality it was probably the chicken out of something else.  Even more complicated, for me, is what came first - the problem drinking or the problem mind?

I know that my mind became a problem after I tried to fix the problem with alcohol and pills.  I was already drinking though, so perhaps that created the problem mind.

I am up to day 9! and tonight my 10 year old needed to attend small school event which I was taking him to with his sister.  Normally I would start stressing on Monday, all the way through the week to about an hour before the event.  Grumping and moaning to them (poor darlings) and anyone else who bothered listening about having to go.  The worst was the total dread and anxiety I would deal with all week over having to leave the house after 4 pm even if it was only for an hour.  I would hate having to give up my drinking night (well delay it anyway) and the thought of having to talk to other people would completely terrify me and I am a seemingly confident outgoing person.  If I did end up going, instead of letting the kids down and not, I would have to knock back a couple of wines before heading out the door definitely.

I woke up this morning and didn't really give it too much thought as I haven't all week.  I am not drinking so nothing to miss out on here, but there seemed somehow LESS to fear.  The being out in public aspect with a large group didn't sit too well, but hey I have decided to CHANGE my life so I just have to do it.   Anyway...my ex flew back from wherever he was this time and suddenly was available to take them both (which isn't that common with his schedule).  I would normally leap at the chance to NOT see anyone and NOT leave my home and STAY here and drink and have a mini-party.  So this was a new feeling, I felt happy that I would go too, but then I thought perhaps this is a good opportunity to stay home and have some time to myself so I did.

I did not have a fun hour or two on my own (like I usually do, wishing they could all stay out just that little bit longer) nor did i miss them (which would be needy and nuts as I am with them all the time).  No - I just felt like I really could have gone too and you know, given the night again I would go.

A small vision of what could possibly be the start of a big shift in my mind.  It just adds another carrot to the stick for this middle-aged brown donkey to try to get to.


This itchy skin thing is super annoying, I have figured out that having a hot bath works so will not muck around if it happens again.

FYI on my forearms dark burning rashes when I get stressed but they go away pretty quickly.  Then there is the patches of itchy skin all over which drive me nuts (apparently temporary) yay

Tuesday, 15 November 2016

The Firewall & The Donkey

I spend small amounts of time trying not to think too much at the moment.  It's like my mind and body have produced a natural Firewall and doesn't let me investigate anything with too much depth.  It feels pretty safe like this and I am just stumbling though the day and evening with little bits of frustration, little bits of boredom but something I haven't had for so long ... little bits of joy.  (really little bits - like 1 minute in the morning and maybe 30 seconds later on in the day).

Those tiny snippets of joy make me feel like a donkey.  A bit of a dumb, brown donkey (donkey's aren't dumb and I'm not brown) but I feel like one all the same, and then there's the carrot.  The joy is the carrot, I am the donkey and damn it, I'm going to get that fucking carrot.

In the meantime, I'm just going to plod along dumbly knowing I'm doing the right thing.

PS - Interesting burning rash appears on my inside lower arms when I get stressed?  So weird, burning and itching so of course what does a normal human do? Google it.
Anyway it is apparently the nervous system reattaching itself and is related to alcohol withdrawal - wow I was doing some damage.


Monday, 14 November 2016


It's pretty easy to see why I was drinking - trying to get away from day to day issues that are only being compounded by alcohol.

It's easy to see because right now I am feeling very anxious and stressed about work and it's taking a strong will to stay present.  I just need to ride this out and keep going through the evening - finishing the washing and putting the lovely kids to bed.

I definitely would be shouting by now (my son had a problem not finding his homework books AGAIN and my daughter can't log into her homework account), this would have really gone badly. Not tonight.  I am sober and calming down as I write this.  Even as I look outside at the dog who has attacked the rubbish and spread it all over the lawn.  I will just go outside in the rain and pick it up - it had a yummy sausage wrapper in it for god's sake - who can blame him right?

So my REAL problem tonight is my JOB and I have to look at it:
The facts are that I am only contracting part-time for the past couple of months and it has been going well.  I work with one of my friends which is nice and until the office is finished we work from my boss's home.  The bad news is that his wife has quit her job and is coming into the business because she doesn't trust her husband's spending within the business.  I am not wanting to sound judgmental yet it's just really hard to understand her - she believes that everything she does is communicated to her by three angels called Michael, Gabriel and I forget the third.  Apparently they wake her up in the middle of the night and give her messages which she scribbles down on pieces of paper and leaves them on my and my colleague's desk.  She is German and her English is OK but not written.  The instructions make no sense but we do what we can and my boss just shrugs the crazy messages off.

The other day she was at home and had a talk with me.  When I say talk it is not a conversation but a monologue - a very loud monologue and it never makes sense.  It's all about how I can't ever imagine the energy, how I will find it very hard being around her energy as the angels direct her.  The energy is always right and this is how things are to be done (without saying what is actually going to be done at all).  Somehow I ended up crying - so dumb!

She has no computer or contract skills (she has been gardening for the past 4 years).  I am getting the strong message that she doesn't like me so I did ask my boss exactly this.  He said it was that she felt like she couldn't be in charge as I am doing what she wants to be doing - however he says she does not have the skills.  I spent years at university and many jobs to have my skills so that's why I am doing the job I assume.  I spent all weekend with a bad cold, kids along with me, at their house fixing a computer problem only for her to say "Michael doesn't say it's the right time to do this, we must listen to the energy".   I am writing all this down in hope to make some form of sense to it all as I have read in many places that surrounding myself in unhealthy situations makes the process of getting healthy dangerously difficult.

So...... I am worried if I leave that I will have a problem of too much time on my hands.... but if I stay - seriously it will explode sooner rather than later and I will tell her to take her Cosmic Cash machine mentality and seriously fuck off.

Doing the Crossword Sober


Last night I decided to revisit my crossword puzzle book, try to finish some of the harder questions that i had left over the drunken nights doing them.  I couldn't believe how easy the answers were.  Scarier still was the suggestion I had written beside the clues!  It was like my brain was working on 30% of what it does now.

This, is nothing else, is written proof that alcohol and drug abuse messes up your brain cells - all the reading in the world wouldn't have made be believe that.  Now I do.

All that time thinking (as a relatively smart qualified Accountant) hey I'm so clever!  I'm so happy with my wine and pills..... NOT CLEVER - drowned in alcohol/fogged in drugs.

Sunday, 13 November 2016

8 Things Normal Drinkers Don't Do

I have stolen this from The Sober School referencd at the end - so want to be clear about this :)
It is so interesting when you are trying to justify your drinking "I don't drink THAT much" and when your family and friends think you are nuts trying to quit (a week tomorrow).

I was doing 1, 3,4,5,6,7,8.  On my own 2 but not 2 socially.  It's really a full house though.

1. Normal drinkers don’t spend a lot of time thinking about alcohol.
There’s the time you spend wrestling with yourself about whether you’ll drink or not; the time spent thinking about what you’ll drink, where and when. Afterwards there’s the guilt, the self-analysis and the promises to yourself. If booze is taking up a lot of brain space, that is a warning sign.

2. Normal drinkers can stop after a few drinks.
Once I’d started drinking, I never wanted to stop. It was like a switch had been flipped. I was always amazed by those take-it-or-leave-it drinkers who’d stop after a couple of drinks or – gasp – leave their glass half full.

3. Normal drinkers don’t create rules around their drinking.
Only drinking after a set time, only drinking at the weekend; not keeping alcohol at home, only buying it in small bottles, buying stuff you don’t really like; forcing yourself to have water in between drinks … these are all ways of trying to control your intake (and they never work for long!)

4. Normal drinkers don’t feel annoyed if their drinking plans are interrupted.
Ok, so maybe they feel mildly irritated, but it’s not a big deal. If you find yourself feeling resentful when you’re asked to drive or do something that requires you to stay sober, then pay attention to that.

5. Normal drinkers don’t worry about putting out the recycling bin.
You know what I mean on this one…

6. Normal drinkers don’t tend to visit websites like this.
The same goes for filling out online quizzes or typing the same questions into Google night after night. You only do that if you’re worried about your drinking. And you must be worried for a reason.

7. Normal drinkers prefer to drink socially.
Most people begin their drinking careers in a social context and for many people it stays that way – something they like to do in the company of others. When you start drinking alone, to experience the intoxicating effects of alcohol by yourself, you have to ask why that is.

8. Normal drinkers don’t suffer as a result of their drinking.
This is the big one. Take-it-or-leave-it drinkers might experience the odd hangover and moment of regret, but alcohol does not cause them problems on a day to day basis. If your relationships, health or work are suffering as a result of your drinking then that should make you stop and think.

Recovery Princess

I found this amazing piece which I can really relate with last night.
I have worked out so far with my completely amateur knowledge of all this:
Drinking is a complicated disease, there seems to be:
  1. The public drinker who everyone knows likes to go too far and is known for being a bit of a boozer
  2. The private drinker who drinks when no one is looking
So then I guess you can be one or both of these in varying degrees....More complicated still are the reasons behind the desire to drink.  Hiding from life, make ourselves more interesting, kill pain either emotional or physical.  But no matter what the reason, the outcome is always the same:
  • guilt
  • depression
  • self-loathing
  • ruining our bodies
I think everyone finds bits out of each other's stories that we can relate to and I found the below story relates to where my drinking started (and ultimately ended up).  Her story is EXACTLY the same as mine except I would not drink in the morning (OK a couple of times only).


Saturday, 12 November 2016

Wondering or Wobbling

I am not really sure if these are the first signs of wobbling (true doubt) or whether, now the topic is out in the open for me to read, that I am just wondering.  I set this up for a diary as I have said earlier but now hoping for some help I think xx

Why is there so much information and so many blogs and talk about how wonderful it is to be sober, and how hard it is to stay sober and how much better everyone's life is sober.

Wouldn't happy sober people just be happy - why feel the need to go back to the bottle if it is SOOOOOOOO amazing to be sober?  Why is everyone celebrating the milestones so much more than say something like smoking.  (I am in no way belittling this process, it's just my brain wanting answers which I know is super shaky ground).

I mean, when you give up smoking (which is an additive habit and a disease as is alcoholism) it is hard, but after people have quit for over a period of 3 months or so - most seem to never miss it and think it's disgusting.  Ex drinkers seem to be never cured and always (including me only after 4 days) patting myself on the back and hoping I'll stick at it.  I used to smoke and found it really hard to quit but haven't looked back and don't give a crap about cigarettes or feel the least bit tempted to start smoking.

I got this from www.lifeprocessprogram.com in Texas:
When I speak before a crowd of addiction counselors (virtually all “recovering” people, primarily from alcohol), I ask, “What is the toughest addiction to quit?” The crowd responds in unison, “smoking.” I then ask, “Has anyone in this room quit cigarettes?” Sometimes half or more of the crowd raises their hands (this often means hundreds of people). I then say, “How many of you relied on treatment or a support group to quit?” Often, not a single hand is raised. I then launch into, “Gosh, let’s think about what we just learned. Among a group of people experienced with addiction, who have been addicted to more than one thing, and who treat addictions, you have told me that a majority of you quit what you regard to be the toughest addiction of all without formal assistance.”

This doesn't see to make sense either - AA deals with ex-alcoholics over a LONG LONG period of time, some 25 years.  Are we not really convinced as a human race that drinking is that bad after all?

Thank you to everyone in the UK, USA and NZ who are looking at this blog.....