This is a hard one to explain so will do my best to get it out simply.
When I think of my divorce in 2012, it's only a year ago
When I think of not getting on with my daughter for some years, it's only a year ago
When I think of anxiety, depression and doubt that has been with me for decades, it's only a year ago.
I wonder how many of you experience this? It has been 1 year and a week or so since giving up alcohol and it feels like I am only dealing with everything during the past year.
It feels odd because the pain is not sharp (because of the distance of time isn't really a year) but my brain is convinced that this all happened exactly a year ago.
My year has been like this:
- 1st 2 weeks, horrible physical symptoms, restless legs, itchy as hell all over my body, couldn't sleep, thirsty - so thirsty it was nuts. Mentally I was angry and bored.
- up to 3 months, crying and feeling sorry for myself, pretty angry and wanted to drink so looked as 1,000 ways to moderate drinking but never went for it
- up to 6 months a strange calm that made me think it wasn't such a big deal
- 6-7 months - almost had a drink by accident I was so surprised! Lulled into a false sense of security I think
- 8-10 months - pissed off that all my problems had not disappeared with the alcohol
- 11-12 felt like "well I am almost at a year, can't believe I actually did it but I don't really want to be sober forever surely"
- 1 year 1 day - had a few drinks and discovered the best lesson I had learned all year - I really do not like alcohol. The high just doesn't weigh up to the horrible lonely feeling that I remembered so well and temporarily forgot.
What I understand now - I have to take responsibility for myself, not to think the world will be nice and things will work out. Men will be nice to me and face-value is everything. Not to blindly trust people and if things don't work out poor me. It is 100% my responsibility to ensure that my life is lived the way I want it to be.
I have tended to think that I do have to put up with behaviour that isn't great because that's life, well no it's not and no you don't - my 24 year old gets it - so why has it taken me so long?
Expectations are only useful for things within my control. Goals are only useful if they are realistic. I don't have to punish myself for not doing things I don't want to do (this one is very new and I am not convinced). If I am bored, then it's my responsibility to do something about it. I am not so special that "nobody gets me" - I am just another human. If I want to be surrounded by love and support then I must find love and support, and be love and support.
The poor me needs to be swept away.
There is no poor me - I am the product of me.